Brown Paper Packages Tied Up With String

A bit of Friday afternoon introspection.

Some random things that make me happy on this rainy afternoon:

**We regained our quizzo crown the other night with a pretty convincing victory. While there, we learned that Charlie Chaplin’s body was stolen from his grave in Switzerland in 1978, Venice is the “Jewel of the Adriatic,” the Sierra Madre mountain range is located South of the border in Mexico, Star Wars won 6 Oscars and that there are only 3 angles mentioned in the Bible. They are Michael, Gabriel and Lucifer. Consequently, they will also be the name of the 3 Chinese girls I someday adopt.

**The winner of the best tv show in American History was announced for this season. As if you didn’t know, the champion of America’s Next Top Model was Naima. And the bitch is fierce. Less fierce, but just as adorable, the winner of the Apprentice was Kendra. She beat Tana, who was a crazy Iowa housewife who pretended to be a Podunk hick from Hicksville, Hickabama, but she really went to Archbishop Carroll High School, smack dab in the middle of the Main Line. Whatever, Tana! Bitch was crazy.

**Sandy the Secretary was describing how smart and creative her daughter was and noted that her daughter, “always thinks outside the bun.” And just when you think she can’t say anything more endearing? She said today she felt like she was “getting fucked with no Vaseline.” She really speaks my language. Are you picking up what she’s laying down?

**On the street the other night, I ran into a hysterical friend from college. The two of us were the most annoying people on a trip to Kentucky. While other people were building homes for the less fortunate, LC and I would put on little skits for the townspeople. In one of these skits, we pretended to be Ike and Tina. (For some reason I was Ike). We would also walk around and stick the handles of our hammers in between people’s legs and pull them up so they would run through people’s ass cheeks. And then we would yell, “Credit Card!” Needless to say, it’s amazing to be back in touch with her. Now she’s married. If you didn’t know that, don’t worry. She’ll tell you 5 minutes into any conversation. Kidding.

**I went to part of a Drag Show last night at Bob and Barbara’s. The scariest drag queen I have ever seen lip synched to “Hero” by Mariah Carey, and she was so scary. She was seven feet tall and her dress was made of a shower curtain (I think). Another drag queen who was tubby and has stretch marks on his/her stomach rubbed his/her ass all over one of my friends after giving him a lap dance. I will never understand drag queens. It just seems like a lot of effort.

**I am not going to my 5 year college reunion. Not enough time has passed. I may possibly be excited for the 10 year high school reunion next year though. I just need to keep all my hair until then. And I need a good date for that. Applicants should be smoldering and the less English you speak the better. Inquire within.

**The Judge bought me lunch today. Chicken wings and Macaroni and Cheese. God, I eat that a lot.

**My uncle faxed me an important paper from home this morning, and instead of using a cover sheet like a real professional, he scribbled this message in huge letters on a blank piece of paper, “To my very favorite nephew Judge Zachary Roman W***** Esquire Tort!” Of course.

And here is the cliffhanger. Last night I had drinks with my ex-boyfriend since he is leaving Philadelphia forever today. Tomorrow, I am meeting up with my ex-girlfriend at some point. I may never see him again, and this will be the first time I have seen her in 5 years. More details to come as soon as I can wrap my pretty little head around them.