True Enough For You

Check your thighs in the mirror, ma. I'm done.

Monday, January 07, 2008

Have Your Cake And Eat Me, Too.

I may actually be a professional wedding guest at this point. Every couple weeks, it seems, I am invited to participate in or attend a ceremony in which I am legally banned from participating. No matter how sane, cool or calm the bride is on the day of the wedding, she no doubt has experienced a couple moments of megalomania and psychosis that make them so special to be around weeks before the big day. Did you know that their wedding is the most important day of your life, too? You will.

Don't get me wrong. I love my married friends, and I respect the institution of marriage for the most part. But I would respect everyone and everything that had anything to do with marriage if they all were like this woman.

How awesome/horrifying is this? Let's count the ways together:

1. She's honest. Other women try to conceal just how insane they are on their own wedding days. But this cake is the perfect metaphor for the crazy bitch bridezilla. Just how much is this day all about her? Ask her and she'll tell you to eat her. Literally.

2. This cake has been a dream of hers for years. Yes, she has had a lifelong dream to have a lifesize wedding cake. CNN says that she sadly never had her other dream come true--receiving a life-size doll in her likeness. That shit is straight up porny.) Some girls dream of horse-drawn carriages and silk canopies. This woman just wanted dessert that looked like her that she could eat for a week. Dream big, y'all!

3. Is there a part of the wedding that guests care about less than the cake? Her guests would have been better served if she hired an ice sculptor to fashion a frozen likeness of her wherein the bartender would pour martini ingredients in her mouth, and out of her special place would flow delicious potent potables. I need to get this idea trademarked a.s.a.p.

4. Her husband gets to hack into her cake likeness with a knife now, acting out all of his frustrations from the days leading up to the nuptuals. This may possibly save her from an O.J.-like tragedy years down the road.

5. Her dress looks like Vera Bradley threw up all over her in the receiving line.

6. Guarantee: this cake idea or my ice flume idea (see #3) will most definitely be used in a future episode of My Super Sweet 16.

7. The cake looks a bit like VH1's New York, if New York ever wore that much fabric at one time.

8. No matter what flavor cake is inside (please let it be red velvet!), it's just downright creepy.

I only wish that more women would take a moment to think about themselves in the months leading up to their weddings, like Chidi Ogbuta. Self-obsession has never been so delicious.


  • At 11:00 PM, Blogger Save the NHL said…

    Thankfully, it's not anatomically correct

  • At 5:21 PM, Blogger gijyun said…

    i am now contacting certain ice sculptors i know here in the city about getting me my very own ice flume likeness for my wine party.

    thanks, zach. if anyone pukes, i'll give you a share of the royalties.


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