True Enough For You

Check your thighs in the mirror, ma. I'm done.

Friday, May 27, 2005

No, This Is Not Based Entirely on Julie's Life

I went to a lesbian bar last night, and my most common thought was this: “Ooh, he’s cute. I should talk to him. Oh wait. That’s not a dude.” If I had a nickel for every time I thought that, I could have bought a vitamin water on the way home. It was karaoke night at Sisters’, and the lesbians were howling. I would love it if someone could tell me if there is some sort of Grease sensation sweeping the lesbian nation because within one hour two people sang “Hopelessly Devoted.” I think that one of them was a guy named Kitty, but the details are sketchy.

By the way, my straight-girl friend JD attracts lesbians like moths to a flame. It’s amazing to watch. Thus, we coined the term “c*nt-tease” last night. We used the new term in front of someone, and he thought we were referring to a new series of t-shirts made specifically for lesbians.

Also, I accidentally saw one of my friends naked last night. I won’t say who it is or the circumstances surrounding it. But I will say that I am forever changed for the worse. I started screaming, “My eyes! My eyes!” and threw myself to the ground. Any guesses? (Note that I am not referring to any of the friends I saw naked on purpose last night.)

Now everyone, please sit down. I have some horrible news to deliver. I regret to inform that next season on America’s Next Top Model (a.k.a. The Most Amazing TV show in the history of forever), Janice Dickinson will not be returning as a member of the judging panel. Janice calls herself the world’s first supermodel, and she loves to call aspiring models fat and ugly. She has had sex with tons of celebrities. In the Janice Dickinson True Hollywood Story, she eruditely screams at someone, “Die Motherfucker!” Understandably, I have requested that all sharp objects be removed from my office for the rest of the day. If any news can spontaneously turn me into a cutter, then it’s this. She will be replaced by Twiggy who is so not as hot. Also, Nole Marin (who sucks) will be replaced by J Alexander, the sassy runway coach with legs that go all the way up to there. J also is famous for always waving around his index finger, yelling "Fierce!" and telling girls they need to "work it like the rent is due tomorrow." Sage, that one. Janice is a super wet, hot slut, and I will miss her. Luckily, I can get my Janice fix on this season’s Surreal Life where she will share a house with Bronson Pinchot, television’s Balki Bartokamus.

The only thing that could possibly make me happy after that news is the fact that my Newsradio DVDs came in the mail. It really is one of the funniest, smartest television shows ever.

Tom Cruise is scary.

Thanks to Yos who let me know that Jean Claude Van Damme and Wilford Brimley starred in a movie together. The name of the movie is Hard Target. See it immediately, as JCVD rocks the mullet hard.

Carrie is now my sworn American Idol. I will worship her as I am obligated to do. I was rooting for Bo, truth be told. It wouldn’t have been the first time that America elected a former cokehead for an important job. That said, there will never be another Kelly Clarkson.

I may be breaking it down Peckville-style one night this weekend to check up on my Grandfather. Holla!

3 Comments:

  • At 11:16 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Zach,

    Stumbled across your blog. Love the Mama's Family reference. Congrats on the new job, which judge are you clerking for?

    Phil Castagna
    pcastagna@swartzcampbell.com

     
  • At 10:39 PM, Blogger Alex said…

    Re: Bronson Pinchot

    It's a little known fact that Bronson Pinchot starred in the greatest movie of all time, Second Sight (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0098276/)

    Let me explain the brilliance of this movie: John Laraquette is a cop investigating the kidnapping of a nun. Failing in his search, he employs the help of a detective agency consisting of some random fat man and Bronson Pinchot. But, the erstwhile Balkie is no normal detective--he's a psychic detective.

    Better still, he channels the nun's ex-husband who died when he left in the middle of the night to fetch said nun's favorite dessert, rum raisin ice cream. At one point, Pinchot's character is shrilly yelling at the nun about how she "had to have the rum raisin" and telekentically dropping ice cream on her.

    If that weren't enough to give you an entertainment boner, consider this: the only way Pinchot's character can be snapped out of his psychic fits is by feeding him... wait for it... Goobers. Yes, chocolate covered raisins. As you have probably imagined, much of the film's action centers around the procuring of Goobers.

    It truly is a cinematic masterpiece.

     
  • At 12:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Goobers are chocolate covered peanuts, Raisinets are chocolate covered raisins.

     

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