True Enough For You

Check your thighs in the mirror, ma. I'm done.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

You Asked...I Answered!

Today readers, it’s all about you! As the moderator of a very, very popular blog, you can only imagine the number of questions I get from people. Let me take this opportunity to answer what’s been weighing on some of your minds.

What’s your favorite thing about today in relation to history?

Good question. My favorite thing about today is that it is the one year anniversary of my completion of the bar exam. If you took a time machine backwards exactly one year to visit me, you would probably find me huddled in the fetal position in a corner eating my hair. Other things I love about today in history: In 1896, the city of Miami, FL, was incorporated and in 1994 Kenny Rogers (Texas Rangers) pitched the 14th perfect game in major league baseball history. So talented! And you thought he was just the Gambler!

What are your favorite and least favorite things about Mississippi?

Hmm, favorite? Obviously, H. T. Merrill of Iuka, Mississippi flew the first round-trip transoceanic flight in 1928. The flight to England was made in a plane loaded with ping-pong balls, which makes it pretty awesome.

My least favorite (besides Trent Lott) would have to be that every commercial airliner has at least one hydraulic component manufactured by Vickers in Jackson, Mississippi. Sorry, I am just a control freak.

Why does the United States have such a corrupt government?

Good question. I, personally, would never trust a President who calls his most trusted aide, Turd Blossom. But it turns out that the Untied States is only the 112th most corrupt nation in the world. This is according to a study that included perceptions of the degree of corruption as seen by business people, academics and risk analysts, and ranges between 0 (highly clean) and 10 (highly corrupt). Includes police corruption, business corruption, political corruption, etc. for the year 2003.

Maybe you should do more research next time, rather that blindly throwing stones at our sturdy pillars of public service. Also, stop watching the news. What you need to do now is wrap your self in an American flag, put on a pair of cowboy boots and nail a copy of the 10 Commandments to your front door. And start praying that you never have to live in Nigeria or Bangladesh. Next!

What is your guilty pleasure television show that you don’t feel guilty about watching even though it’s about Canadian teenagers?

That’s an easy one. It’s obviously DeGrassi Junior High: The Next Generation. This show is awesome for so many reasons. First of all, it’s a lot of ugly Canadian kids that drink, get depressed, and have sex with each other all the time. But unlike, in America, the Canadian kids actually have to deal with the consequences of their actions. For example, the goody-two-shoes of the show, Emma, just got gonorrhea of the throat a couple weeks ago. Now everyone thinks she's a ho. Which? She is. One of the guys on the show had a bi-polar melt down and trashed a hotel room after his 10th grade girlfriend turned down his proposal while they were dancing at her dad’s gay marriage ceremony! Read that sentence again slowly and let it all sink in. The same guy who had a meltdown got a cheerleader pregnant last year, and she had to have an abortion. What the hell is an abortion?!

The real best part of the show is that they have to edit the Canadian version to make it safe for American television and its puritanical viewers. The New York Times even did a super secret expose on this controversy. It makes sense since most Americans don’t know much about erections or abortions, and both will likely be illegal soon anyway. DeGrassi: It goes there.

What is the heat index anyway?

The heatwave has broken in the Illadelph. It was lovely to enter the office this morning and not be absolutely soaking wet. It does not help that the weather has been so humid, in addition to being so fucking hot. As a coal-cracker from up north, this is not the kind of weather my people were built for. According to the heat index, it was reaching temperature of near 110 degrees here. Hey, wait. What the hell is a heat index? Slate.com says:

The heat index tells you how hot it feels at a given humidity. Moist air feels hotter than dry air because it makes sweating less efficient. On a hot, dry day, your sweat will evaporate quickly and cool your skin; under humid conditions, sweat evaporates more slowly and doesn't do as much. Just as the wind chill attempts to measure how cold it feels under certain wind conditions, the heat index tries to measure how hot it feels given the humidity.

Basically, this is why Philadelphia feels like hell during the summer. And this is why I don’t have a valid reason to punch people in the mouth next time they say, “It’s hot, but it’s ok because it’s a dry heat.”

Just kidding. I will still punch them. Hard. Hot is hot, y'all.

Duh. Don’t say I never teach you anything. Please send me any and all of your questions via comments or email (zachary.wilcha@gmail.com). I will answer.

Also, today was the last day for the summer intern in our office, sadly. Like any good intern worth her weight in blue dresses, her name is Monica. She will be missed for many reasons, including, but certainly not limited to the fact that I will have to start doing the work that she was doing as an ardent overachiever. Since I am decidedly rarely eager to do any more work than is asked of me, her presence will be missed. Also, she was very cheery and would stop me from choking people by their necks. A bientot, Monique!

7 Comments:

  • At 3:27 PM, Blogger somegirl said…

    ...i don't recall being invited to submit questions for answer.

    stuff i need answers for, like what happened to the spatula i got from the pampered chef.

    hooker.

     
  • At 4:03 PM, Anonymous GA said…

    An updated DeGrassi High? Ohmigod I now have a reason to get up in the morning besides crank.

     
  • At 11:32 AM, Anonymous lizo said…

    I'm a fan of slate as well- did you participate in the John Roberts nicknaming contest? The winner, Tort Blossom is a goodie, but I like all of the permutations of Roe, particularly J-Roe.

     
  • At 11:32 AM, Blogger xxx said…

    ga,
    i see baltimore has been doing wonders for you.

     
  • At 3:00 PM, Blogger ZRW said…

    Gijyun: You're always welcome to ask me questions. And if you liked your spatula so much, you shouldn't have let your latest trick snort lines of coke off of it. Clearly, he stole it. It's bad enough you let him freebase with your IKEA silverware.

    GA: Hey you! This is 2005 up in here, come visit sometime. Hugs!

    Lizo: Slate's fun when they agree with me. I didn't participate in the contest, but I was partial to Roe-foe. It works on many levels, you see.

    Bolton: How can we be lovers if we can't be friends?

    Z

     
  • At 3:01 PM, Blogger xxx said…

    how can we start over when the fighting never ends?

     
  • At 3:54 PM, Blogger somegirl said…

    knife hits.

    what what.

    five pointz 4eva

     

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