Reparative Therapy and Justice For All

When there’s a new Supreme Court nominee on tap, and you need some 411 on the man, who ya gonna call? Me. Last night, I felt like a member of the media elite, as several characters in the story of my life gave me a ring to see how I felt about the latest potential Supreme. My favorite call of the day, and maybe the week so far, would have to be from my younger brother. He is a 24 year-old, civil engineer who possesses in construction and spacial relations knowledge (much) what he lacks in eighth grade civics know-how. Hey, whatever, my dad describes him as his “employable son,” and Checks and Balances are SO 1990’s. Says Roberts about your fetus: "We continue to believe that Roe was wrongly decided and should be overruled." Sah-weet!

So anyway, my brother NW, found out some disturbing things yesterday. To wit:

[ring ring]
Z: Yo.
N: So wait a second, the President just like gets to appoint a dude to the Court.
Z: Yeah, but it has to be confirmed by the Senate.
N: But he just gets to, like, pick anyone he wants? That’s insane.
Z: Kind of. But the nominee still has to be confirmed.
N: That makes the President way powerful. He could pick anyone!
Z: Well, yeah, but it still has to be confirmed. And I told you all this shit around the election.
N: You’re not going to believe this, but I actually care now. Who’s it going to be?
Z: I don’t know, some woman named Edith? One of two Ediths actually.
N: Weird. Who knew there were two important judges named Edith?
Z: Who knew there were two people in America named Edith?

And so on and so forth. Anyway, none of us should be surprised that Bush went for the “Go For Broke” candidate instead of a more consensus candidate. I won’t harp about it, but of course, I think that the move could be disastrous for constitutional interpretation as we know it. I think he will be confirmed easily in the Senate after a dirty period of media attacks from those self-absorbed liberals. My only solace is that he is remarkably handsome for a scholar of law and looks a lot like Pat Sajak. Or a really Republican John Edwards (remember him?!). Or a guy who rides hookers way hard, talks tons during the sex and leaves lousy tips. Thus concludes my intellectual summary of thoughts on the new Supreme Court Justice. If you would rather read about topic this in cogent form and thoughtful prose by people who know their Substantive Due Process from their elbow, click here or here.

Also, it’s weird how this high-profile, prime time television announcement coincides with a Karl Rove scandal that the administration is trying to bury. That is like, way, Alanis Morrisette ironic.

Salon.com is running a great article about a man who fakes being a homosexual so that he could experience conversion or “reparative” therapy. This, for those of you not in the know, is when you take one gay, add faux-science, fear of God, empty promises or a pinch of shock therapy, to produce one ex-gay. The article begins like this:

Barry Levy, a Christian counselor and licensed clinical social worker, is explaining to me what causes homosexuality. "Take the young boy who is more sensitive, more delicate, who doesn't like rough-and-tumble, who is artistic," he says. "He can't hit the ball, fire the gun or shoot an arrow. There is a high correlation between poor eye-hand coordination and same-sex attraction."

Jigga what?! Now, yes, I was always been more sensitive, delicate and artistic than your average child. But that’s only because I was always way smarter. Not to mention the fact that I was a Cub Scout prodigy with a rifle. For some reason, I have always been an amazing shot, which bothered my troop leaders who would always describe me to my parents as being a “smart ass.” This just goes to show you that I have always been more appreciative of the First Amendment than the Second.

I would beat all the other kids in shooting contests and I liked dudes. Were I not so recalcitrant a youngster, I would have made it all the way to Eagle Scout. (Note: I probably still would beat most people in a shooting contest and I still like dudes.) As for my hand-eye coordination, no one could ever beat me at Mario-related Nintendo games. The article goes on to highlight the serious, harrowing details of the therapy. It’s at once hysterical, sad and frightening.

No, I haven’t read the new Harry Potter book yet, but I understand it’s about a half-blood mulatto or something? Please don’t ruin the plot for me, thanks!