I Yell Like This Because I Love You
The Tyra Banks Talk Show Wants You...
Are you a woman who’s in love a gay man and want to tell him?
Are you a gay man who has a female friend who is in love with you?
Are you a woman who’s attracted to gay men? Do you try to date gay men despite their attraction to the same sex? Do friends think you’re crazy?
If so, please call *** toll-free at 888-569-*** or e-mail her at ***. [Redacted because I am not here to help you].
That's right, y'all. Tyra(nt) Banks is starting her own talk show, and she needs a panel of crazy fag hags and the flamers they inappropriately love. I kind of want to go on the show, so if anyone is interested in pretending that she lusts after my lithe body, email me, we'll talk. If I get no takers, I am just going to pretend that I am going to be on the show; and be warned: I will talk about it constantly. Two of my high school friends and I convinced our senior year Honors English (Yes, there was a big difference with Honors classes, whatever.) teacher that we were going to be on the Carnie Wilson Show (called Carnie!) so that we could skip a day of school. The made-up topic was "My High School Bully Needs a Makeover." Sadly, the show was cancelled in an untimely fashion, so we were not able to skip school under that brilliant guise. Damn you, Carnie!
Moreover, I am so happy that Miss Tyra's talk show will help reinforce her pre-Copernican notion that the world revolves around her. In many ways, it does. Thus, I curse her singly for her mastery of the ways of the runway and her ability to sass and head-bob her way through the best television show in the history of the medium. I curse her doubly for recording music with little regard for anyone's musical sensibilities or well-being (See "Shake Ya Body," but proceed with caution.) . And I curse her trebly for being so damn fine!
However, after the wonder that is "Being Bobby Brown," I will not rest until Whitney Houston has her own talk show. She will take you behind over there, behind that tree, and work. You. Over.