Heat Watch 2005: Drop Your Pants To Your Ankles

My friend AB, a newly anointed PhD., sent me this joke. Since she’s a doctor of something now (Anatomy? Physiology? Neuro-somethingimportant? We can never remember here.), and you’re probably not, this joke may fly over your heads:

How many Bush supporters does it take to change a light bulb?

None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb. Its condition is improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are a delusional spin from the liberal media. There is no shortage of filament. That light bulb has served honorably; anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom?

Also, thanks to the wonder of the internets, I have finally found the definitive guide to cornholing. Check out “how to play cornhole.” There are diagrams that involve way more throwing and an overabundance of holes than I remember from any sexual education class. Then again, my sex ed classes in high school consisted mostly of a man telling my fellow students and me that men couldn’t urinate and orgasm at the same time. And we all know that’s not true. Right? Right?!

Some time ago, a camp counselor for inner city kids called our office to see if he could bring a handful of kids here to see justice in action. We told him that we probably couldn’t provide that, exactly, at least not in this city. However, we invited him to bring what he described as “a few kids” to come see how our courtroom operates. You see where this is going, I hope.

Flash forward to this morning as someone from another court building 10 blocks away calls and screams into the phone, “We can’t operate a court with all these kids running around!” I literally didn’t have a clue what she was yelling about, so I told her to catch them and tranquilize them, a strategy that worked well for my parents. Eventually, we got on the same page and they sent 55 screaming varmints, more than “a few” by anyone’s definition, to our courtroom. Sandy sassed the little shits on a tour, and one of the kids escaped. He may still be in the building. I hope he finds the prison in the basement. Nothing teaches a lesson like some hard time.

Hey, I was in an elevator with a guy today who dropped his pants to his ankles to fix his underwear. That is all.

We won at quizzo last night by a point. Phew. Luckily for us, the last round was Full House questions. We learned that the 4 Kings in a deck of cards are based on Charlemagne, King David, Alexander the Great and Julius Caesar and that Australian girls are the most likely to sleep with you on a first date. But don’t worry, no need to get all antipodean, I know plenty of easy American girls.

Finally - finally! – there is an “Overheard in Philly” blog where one can post the audible gems they collect on their daily commutes. And one most certainly should. At the very least, one should read it. Let’s face it, stupidity round these parts is a quotidian occurrence. In fact, the motto of the site is: “it’s not the heat, it’s the stupidity.” I feel like I should use stupidity one more time. Stupidity. Ok. Here are some highlights, or lowlights if you are a stick in the mud:

*Overweight teenage girl crossing street: "Damn. Why this street so wide?"Friend: "N*gga, this is Broad Street."

Broad & Arch


*Angry man on crutches: "Where am I? The same place I been for the past 2 hours you piece of shit! I'm gonna come over there with my crutches and beat the shit out of you and your friend you fucking piece of shit!!"

Payphone outside Pathmark, Port Richmond


*Birthday girl: "I love that halter top!"Halter girl: I got you one, you didn't see it? It's wrapped around the bottle of grain alcohol."

Birthday party, RUBA Club [editor’s note: I have been to the RUBA for a birthday party, and it is amazing.]


Guy on subway platform: "I think this mayor's doing a good job. People don't knock you down in the bathroom anymore."

Subway-Surface line, West Philadelphia


Schizophrenic: "First they had Tampax, then they had Kotex, now they got discotheques! What is going on here??!!"

Park bench, West Philadelphia

That tingly feeling you’re getting down there right now? That’s brotherly love. Or maybe it’s the heat. Ciao.