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Thursday, June 01, 2006

I Am Going to Hell, Part 498


I have been told many times that I am going to hell. That should come as no surprise. It rarely happens to me in a professional environment, but my wanton blasphemy cannot be contained to social situations. Apparently.

One of my esteemed coworkers (Let’s call her G.) is by most people’s standards a sweetheart. She may or may not be partially deaf in both ears. She wears hearing aids in both, but even when they are removed, she seems to have just enough good hearing to gather all of the office gossip you don’t want her to head. However, whether it’s part of her elaborate ruse or not, she screams when she talks. She listens to her headphones at a decibel level that allows all of her neighbors to enjoy her almost daily freak out to “Glamorous Life” by Sheila E. It’s loud, y’all. I thought that she was about 60 years old until another coworker told me that she was about 40. The matching concept for her attire would be best explained away by color-blindness, but I am afraid she is just what nice people would call eclectic.

She’s basically harmless, save for her penchant for chewing with her mouth open; that kills me.

I can’t put it any more delicately than to say she is a Jesus Freak. I know this because I am privy to her end of every cell phone conversation she shouts. She talks about how Christ does everything for her but make her dinner. She cavorts for hours on the phone about church picnics, what scriptures she heard on television the night before and most importantly about the sovereign enemy of all that is Christian, The DaVinci Code.

As an aside, I have read and hated the Code. I thought it was crappy writing about an interesting, if contrived, set of events. In many ways it was clever. (The Holy Grail’s a chick! Why didn’t Monty Python think of that?!) It even made for some clever tv shows on the Discovery Channel. And yes, his research/plagiarism is impeccable. But overall? It’s hack fodder that panders to the least common denominator. I don’t care if you think me a snob or a communist for not liking it. A friend of mine summed my feelings up about it perfectly: Can you believe Dan Brown made that much money using the word ‘suddenly’ in every paragraph? I did that shit in 5th Grade, and my teacher totally called me on it.

Example: Suddenly, when faced with the option to buy a croissant, Robert Langdon remembered that in Cryptography school he had taken a class that taught him that no matter what Catholics were trying to hide, monetary units could be exchanged for goods and services. This information would come in handy when Langdon wanted to buy his precocious, over-educated, French damsel in distress a Mona Lisa t-shirt from the Louvre gift shop. Or….would it?

At no point did I have problems with fictional representation of Jesus as a family man who got it on with a red-headed whore. However, my coworker did.

A few weeks ago she walked past my desk one day, and apparently there was something DaVinci-related on my monitor screen. She asked me, “You gonna see that?!” The sheer volume of the question nearly knocked me out of my chair. “See what?” I relpied.

“That DaVinci thing? I can’t believe they are even showing that in the movies.”

Me: “Oh. Um, no.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know. I read the book and it was shitty.”

“You know you are damn right! I didn’t read it, but I hated it. Can you believe they were saying Jesus was married and had kids?”

“Oh, I don’t care about that. I think that’s awesome. I just thought he was a bad writer.”

“YOU THOUGHT JESUS HAD SEX?”

At this point, many people turned to look at me. Were they wondering, did Z just tell a deaf woman he thought Jesus was a fornicator? Maybe. I don’t know. What I did know is that I had just accidentally started a debate that I didn’t care about. I would debate, though, because I do care about debating. It’s delicate, my life with cognitive dissonance. Really.

(whispering-Just assume I am always whispering.) “G, please. No. No. Whatever. I am just saying the book had some interesting theories.” I was defending Dan Brown and hating myself like I was eating the last piece of pizza in the box. In one sitting.

(shouting- Just assume she is always shouting.) “Oh, Jesus! You don’t even know! You don’t know he had sex with no one. He didn’t have kids!”

“Listen, I am just not bothered by the theories. The book is fictional. That means it’s not real. A good way to remember that is fictional and fake both begin with F. My mom is a librarian.”

“He didn’t! He didn’t! The Bible says so.” I was not even going to get into a debate on strict, scriptural interpretation. I only have so much energy and emotional stability. And I didn’t want to clean up the mess after I blew her mind.

“Look, G. Neither of us was there, so it looks like we’ll never know.” Ha! That was true. No one will ever know. I win! But then she just started to glare at me. Like I had just eaten the last slice of pizza in the box. And it was hers.

“I am going to know someday. Do you know why?” I nodded no. “Because Jesus is going to tell me when *I* am in heaven.”

Ouch. G just told me I was going to hell. It was just her way of saying “Go to hell” and predicting an almost certain future at the same time.

So, I did what any hellbound helot would do. I told her that she was going to have to wait in a long line to see Jesus. Good one! Sigh. So, I followed it up with a “People tell me I am going to hell every day, G. You’re like the 23rd person today.”

Epilogue: The next day and each day after she treated me as if nothing had ever happened. Those uber-Christians are rowdy but ultimately forgiving, after all. The DaVinci Code movie opened to middling to bad reviews. I still think the book sucks, and wish that America would fall in love with reading something good.

2 Comments:

  • At 8:47 AM, Blogger Seven Star Hand said…

    Hello ZRW,
    Re: "...and wish that America would fall in love with reading something good."
    Good is a matter of opinion in literature but a matter of character in deeds...

    You may not initially agree with everything I reveal, but be a little patient with my long-winded presentation of what I have waited a very long time to be able to say. I promise to amaze and enlighten.

    Peace...

    Here is the key to understanding what the Vatican and Papacy truly fear...

    Pay close attention, profundity knocks at the door, listen for the key. Be Aware! Scoffing causes blindness...

    Here's a real hot potato! Eat it up, digest it, and then feed it's bones to the hungry...

    There's much more to the story of the Vatican's recent machinations than meets the eye. It's not the DaVinci Code or Gospel of Judas per se, but the fact that people have now been motivated to seek out the unequivocal truth about an age of deception, exactly when they expect me to appear. These recent controversies are spurring people to reevaluate the Vatican/Papacy and the religions that Rome spawned, at the worst possible time for them.

    Remember, "I come as a thief..." ?

    The DaVinci Code novel and movie are no more inaccurate as literal versions of history than the New Testament. The primary sub-plot involved purposeful symbology being used to encode hidden meanings, exactly like the Bible and related texts. In other words, none of these stories represent the literal truth. This is the common and pivotal fact of all such narratives about ancient Hebrew and Christian history. Debating whether the DaVinci Code, Gnostic texts, or the Bible are accurate history is a purposeful ploy designed to hide the truth by directing your inquiry away from the heart of the matter.

    There is a foolproof way to verify the truth and expose centuries-old religious deceptions. It also proves why we can no longer let the Vatican tell us what to think about ancient history or much else. It is the common thread connecting why the ancient Hebrews, Yahad/Essene, Jews, Gnostics, Cathars, Templars, Dead Sea Scrolls, DaVinci Code, and others have been targets of Rome’s ire and evil machinations. The Vatican and its secret society cohorts don’t want you to understand that the ancient Hebrew symbology in all of these texts purposely encodes and exposes the truth about them. Furthermore, the structure of ancient wisdom symbology verifiably encodes the rules to decode messages built with it. This is what they most fear you will discover.

    If the Bible represented the literal truth or even accurate history, there would be no need for faith in the assertions of deceptive and duplicitous clergy and their ilk. It is undeniable the New Testament is awash with ancient Hebrew symbolism and allegory. The same is evidenced in the Old Testament, Dead Sea Scrolls, Gnostic texts, biblical apocrypha, Quran, DaVinci Code, and other related sources. All ancient religious, mystical, and wisdom texts have been shrouded in mystery for millennia for one primary reason: The ability to understand their widely evidenced symbology was lost in antiquity. How do we finally solve these ages-old mysteries? To recast an often-used political adage: It’s [the] symbology, stupid!

    It is beyond amazing that the Vatican still tries to insist the Gospels are the literal truth. Every miracle purported for Jesus has multiple direct symbolic parallels in the Old Testament, Apocalypse, Dead Sea Scrolls, and other symbolic narratives and traditions. Recasting the symbolism of earlier Hebrew texts as literal events in the New Testament is one of the central deceptions associated with Christianity. This is part of the secret knowledge held by the ancient Gnostics, Templars, Cathars, and others, which is presented with dramatic effect in the DaVinci Code. None of these narratives or stories were ever intended as the literal truth. This fact is the key to unraveling many ages-old mysteries and exposing the truth about the Vatican's long-term deceptions.

    Moreover, the following Washington Post article (The Book of Bart) describes how many changes and embellishments were made to New Testament texts over the centuries, unequivocally demonstrating they are not original, infallible, or truthful. When you combine proof that the New Testament Gospels are not wholly literal with proof that these texts were heavily reworked in the early years of Christianity, you are left with only one possible conclusion. The Vatican has long lied to everyone about the central tenets and history of Christianity. This revelation also proves they are not the Creator’s representatives but Her long-time opponents. The recent hoopla over the Gospel of Judas and DaVinci Code demonstrates they are still desperately trying to deceive the world and obfuscate their true nature and activities.

    It's no wonder the Vatican fears the truth more than anything else. As further proof of these assertions, seek to understand the symbolic significance of my name (Seven Star Hand) and you will have proof beyond disproof that Jews, Christians, and Muslims have long been duped by the great deceivers I warned humanity about over the millennia. What then is the purpose of "faith" but to keep good people from seeking to understand the truth?

    Now comes justice, hot on its heels... (symbolism...)

    Not only do I talk the talk, I walk the walk...
    Here is Wisdom!!

    Revelations from the Apocalypse

     
  • At 1:09 PM, Anonymous Georgia said…

    Woah, I am so freaking enlightened now. Thank you Seven Star Hand.

     

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