The Prodigal Blogger Returns

I know. I know. Where have I been? Am I OK? Etc…

Well, I am back. Since I lost my job a while ago, I just haven’t felt much like writing. Everyone who has said hello and told me I haven’t been writing since that time, thanks. I am going to try and be a better person now. Mostly because I know that making you happy makes me a better person. My parents used to tell me the exact same thing—except they also added that I would go straight to hell someday if I didn’t do everything in my power to make them happy. And this is why I wake up in the fetal position every morning. Well, that and because I have no heat.

So what have I been doing since I last wrote? Most people when they are faced with an obstacle like the loss of a job hear a beckon call to action. They gather their wits, make lemonade out of those proverbial lemons, light a fire under their ass and/or exemplify one of many other clichés. I am not that person. I prefer the passive approach to crisis management. That is, I sit around and feel sorry for myself and avoid contact with anyone who might ask me how my life is going. That way I remaining alluring and elusive and don’t have to waste my energy or your time on half-hearted human interaction. That sounds more pathetic than I meant, bear with me.

Also I went to lots of weddings. Seriously, this past weekend in the first weekend in October when I haven’t attended a wedding. Each wedding was a blessed celebration of love which I commemorated by getting fall-down embarrassingly drunk. Some highlights included, but were not limited to: stealing several wedding favors (by several, I mean more scented candles than you can shake a wick at) and a table centerpiece or two, monopolizing all the time on a wedding video by seducing several women over the age of 55 and pimping my friend out to another man so that she wouldn’t make out with a midget with slicked back hair. I danced up a storm, drank up a bit of cirrhosis and lost a ton of money. I placated my bitterness towards weddings by making up reasons why the couple was getting married that clearly were substituted for true love, which probably does not exist. At least not while I am legally forbidden from ever declaring that I have found one and reaping the tax benefits therefrom.

Man, I am a bitch today for no reason. I am probably going to be writing with a bit of an “edge” for a while.

In other news, I found a nice guy to date who only hits me when I really deserve it or he has an important lesson to teach me. I watched tons of television, lots of reality tv. I have read a bunch of books. I reunited with all my college roommates (that matter) and went to the wedding of a girl who dated almost all of them. I finally learned how to play Texas Hold 'Em. I visited Cape Cod. Got a bit of Botox. My friends have started writing letters to celebrities. And blog-spammers have fallen for me like that creepy, old guy in the corner who keeps buying me drinks.

Other assorted thoughts before I sign off for the day:

· Bad- The Phillies were thisclose to making the playoffs, breaking my heart just a little. Good- An early playoff exit by both the Yankees and Red Sox proved that there are more than 2 teams in baseball.
· Good- Arrested Development, My Name is Earl and The Office (American version) are really, really funny shows. Bad- The Amazing Race Family Edition and the new season of Desperate Housewives are really, really boring.
· Bad- Hurricanes are scary! Good- Rob Marciano and Andersoon Cooper get pretty wet in hurricanes.
· Good- George W. Bush’s approval ratings are lower than ever. We’re talking Warren G. Harding territory here. Rove and DeLay are looking like indictment posterboys. Huzzah! Bad- GWB appoints Jerri Blank as a nominee for the Supreme Court.
· Good- Madonna’s new song samples ABBA music. Bad- Jessica and Ashlee Simpson still considered pop-culturally relevant to many.

I am going to try and blog more. I want to be better. I want to be better for you. I live for your affection and positive affirmation. Now, get up out of this seat, hug a loved one and secretly pretend it's me.

I will do the same for you.