My Cover Letter To The President
Dear President Bush:
It has come to my attention that there is an opening for employment in one of your departments due to the unfortunate passing of Mr. Chief Justice Rehnquist. Now that Big Willy, as we used to call him, has taken the bench way up in the sky, you will need to replace him with someone intelligent, charming and really, really cute. For the foregoing reasons, I believe I would be the best candidate for the job.
My most attractive asset is my availability. Since I have just been relieved of my job as law clerk, I spend my days wondering what I might have for lunch and asking questions like, “How early is too early for happy hour?” and, “It’s 5 O’Clock somewhere, right?” Before you were saved, you probably asked those very same questions between all those afternoon eight balls! Regardless, I am ready to think about the law at a moment’s notice.
Since you, Laura and the twins are regular readers of my blog, you know I am well versed in dealing with a diva on the bench. And I think we both know that certain members of the bench are prone to fits and tantrums. (I am rolling my eyes in your diminutive direction, Ginsburg). I am not going to call anyone a bitch, but you can read between the lines.
Moreover, I grew up in Northeastern Pennsylvania, home to the most elderly people per capita of any place outside of Miami/Dade County in our nation. It’s true, ask Jeb. So, I know what it’s like to be around people constantly dealing with the fact that the scepter of death is always squarely placed above their heads.
I am quite nosy and sometimes inappropriate, so you can count on hearing the probative questions from me that really count. Thus, if someone were to approach the bench with questionable attire, I would begin my inquiry by being all, like, “Um, what’s up with your tie, counselor?” People have a right to know.
I look quite good in black. It’s slimming, but it doesn’t make me look gaunt. I would be more than willing to cut my hair to match any sort of conservative fashion scheme that you plan for the court. And if you’re worried about my politics, Michael Moore is way too fat for me to legitimately respect.
I think I have the personal qualities that would make me a good fit for the current composition of the Court. For example, my laid back, yet sarcastic demeanor would balance the acerbic, high strung rants of Scalia. I know enough about porn to have a conversation with Thomas. Stevens plays a damn good game of tennis from what I hear. And let’s face it, Souter and your new appointee Roberts are both totally, totally gay. Furthermore, I would love to be the progenitor of “Beer, Wings and Monday Night Football with the Justices” night at a local bar of your choice.
I know you’re really busy trying to figure out where all the manpower and helicopters and army forces are in this time of crisis as the Gulf Coast endures the worst natural crisis the country has seen in decades(hint: Iraq). But you need to really get on this! I can start immediately, if not sooner. Caveats: My lease was just renewed, so I will have to work out of my apartment most of the time when I am not on the bench. With the new TV season right around the corner, it’s about to be a busy time of year for me, so the faster we could get started on my confirmation hearings, the better.
I am more than ready to serve. If for some reason you don’t think I am qualified enough (sorry, you’ve made some dubious judgment calls in the past), I would urge you to consider Whitney Houston. Girlfriend is wa-larious on Being Bobby Brown, and the Court could lighten up a smidge with all this talk of abortion and sodomy laws. You gonna take away Whitney’s right to anal? Aw, hell to the NO!
Thanks in advance for your consideration. My resume, transcript and references are all yours upon request.
P.S. Abslolutely adored your advice to the residents of the Gulf Coast to “hang in there!” Why didn’t they think of that?!