Today is a special day, reader! This post will mark the first ever crowning of the Hump Day Asshole. Every Wednesday we will come together and celebrate the truly vile, abhorrent citizens of the world that make feel pity for humanity, but somehow simultaneously make us feel happy because we are not that bad of people after all. The Innaugural Humpday Asshole is:
Ben Hatfield, CEO of International Coal Group:
I just met my first person from West Viginia a couple weeks ago. He seems very nice, but otherwise I have no special connection to anyone from that state that would ever make me feel "emotions" like "pity or compassion." And that's part of the reason why Ben Hatfield is such an asshole. He made me feel sorry for West Virginians.
Last night before I went to bed after watching Penn State pull off an amazing Orange Bowl win, I saw that 12 of the miners had been rescued. Huzzah! A miracle in the mines. I think a tear even made its way down Anderson Cooper's face when he heard the news. The beaming CEO said they were ALIVE!
The townpeople celebrated for 3 hours in a church, ringing bells, hugging and I would guess drinking moonshine, before finding out that there was a "miscommunication."
The problem is that Mr. Hatfield allowed these bumpkins to celebrate for 3 hours about how their family members had somehow beaten the odds and survived while he knew that they were actually dead. They were practically on the phone selling the story rights to Disney when the CEO told them that actually everyone but one guy is dead. And he's in critical condition. He did not add that he didn't like the look of the surviving miner, but he was probably thinking it.
The collapse probably wasn't his fault, but Ben, you knew for 3 hours and allowed people to experience false hope before telling them.
Honestly though, I would want them to get all that happiness out of their systems before I told them any bad news, too. And really, CEO's of mining companies, if nothing else, historically have been renown the world over for their boundless compassion. I think you should have just gone the whole nine yards and set fire to the church where the townspeople were celebrating. You know, just so they, like, GOT IT.
You fucked up, Ben. And for that you are the Innaugural Humpday Asshole.
Anyhow, some other notes. Philadelphia has been chosen to host Justice Sunday Part III. Phillyist.com says:
"Justice Sunday strives to convince us all that judicial activists - such as the Bush-appointed conservative Republican judge who recently ruled against Intelligent Design in Dover, PA - are ruining this country and have declared a de facto war on Christians. Justice Sunday III: Proclaim Liberty Throughout the Land follows Justice Sunday II: God Save the United States and this Honorable Court, Justice Sunday I: Stop the Filibuster Against People of Faith, and Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol. OK, maybe not that last one."
In other words, Fallwell and Santorum, among others, will be in the house, holding it down in the Illadelph. Stay tuned to see if they or any of the participants can be crowned the second ever Humpday Asshole. Check out the website to see how YOU can get your protest on.
Besides, how can you hate the gays when they when they offer public services like this handy slide show of STD's? Know your STD's.
That was a lot of negative stuff in one post. And I hate to leave you with a pout on your face. All a pout gets you around here is a pat on the head and a fistfull of peanuts. The only thing that could brighten the anyone's face today, West Virginian or not, is the fact that soon the best show in the history of television will be showed. That's right. Very soon, my friends: America's Next Muppet.
And if you have any bad news for me? Tell me in 3 hours. Now is a time for celebration.