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Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Humpday Hero: Shimmy Shimmy Ya

We here at the True have been getting some complaints that we've been a bit too negative lately. Nobody likes a Bitter Betty all the time, so there we won't be picking on someone as our Humpday Asshole today. Stop pouting!

Rather, in lieu of a Humpday Asshole post today (we may move that to tomorrow), we are going to accentuate the positive. In honor of tonight's Grammy awards, wherein we hope Mariah Carey will have some sort of breast-centric nervous breakdown and give a shout out to her lambs, we will honor one of music's greatest pioneers. In addition to his contributions to the music world, this person may be one of the most amazing people to ever walk the planet. Today we crown a Humpday Hero.

Of course, this person is Old Dirty Bastard.

Forthwith are several reasons why ODB is perhaps the coolest person to have ever lived.

First, ODB went under many aliases. I have put an asterisk next to my favorites. Please understand that this list is in no way exhaustive:

Ason Unique
Big Baby Jesus*
Brother Osirus
Dirt McGirt*
Dirt Schultz
Freeloading Rusty
Joe Bananas
ODB
Ol' Dirty BZA
Ol' Dirt Dog
Dirt Dog
Osirus
Prince Delight
The Bebop Specialist
The Professor
The Specialist
Unique Ason

Next, he was a ground breaker. In February 1999, he was arrested for driving without a license and for being a convicted felon wearing a bulletproof vest. He was the first person arrested for this infraction under a new California law.

He came up with new and interesting ways to insult people. To wit, during a court hearing, he once called a female prosecutor a "sperm donor."

He was never good at blending into the woodwork. In October 2000, he escaped from his court-mandated drug treatment facility and spent one month as a fugitive. He appeared at a record release party for The W, a Wu-Tang Clan album. He was later arrested in a Philadelphia McDonald's, allegedly trying to order a crack milkshake.

He tells the truth. At the 1998 Grammy Awards, Ol' Dirty Bastard rushed onstage unexpectedly during Shawn Colvin's acceptance speech for "Song of the Year" and began complaining that he had recently purchased expensive clothes in anticipation of winning the "Best Rap Album" award that he lost to Puff Daddy. Before being escorted off-stage, he implored the audience, "I don't know how you all see it, but when it comes to the children, Wu-Tang is for the children. We teach the children. Puffy is good, but Wu-Tang is the best. I want you all to know that this is ODB, and I love you all. Peace!" And the thing is? Wu-Tang IS for the children.

He was an underrated master of rhetoric. On one of his albums, he asked this zen gem of a question, in a spoken word moment: "If a brick didn't know how to sit on walls anymore...what would you ask it?" Well, what would you ask it?

For that reason alone, he would be a Humpday Hero. For all these reasons combined, he'll live on in our hearts forever. R.I.P., ODB.

3 Comments:

  • At 4:22 PM, Blogger xxx said…

    it was sheer tragedy that the world never got to know him as Old Dirty Chinese Restaurant

     
  • At 4:58 PM, Blogger somegirl said…

    does this honor apply posthumously to his seven hundred illegitimate childrens? because that would be super DUPER positive-accentuating of you.

     
  • At 5:49 PM, Blogger Gold Teef said…

    I miss that muthafucka too. I'm pourin out some a mah fuckin FOTIE right about...NOW.

     

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