True Enough For You

Check your thighs in the mirror, ma. I'm done.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Snow On My Face, And Tell Me That You Love Me


Did you feel it? Did you? That unrelenting pounding on Saturday night? It was white and all over the place; you might have even gotten stuck somewhere. You didn't even want to get out of bed Sunday morning. You just waited there in bed, hoping that someone, anyone would come and dig you out. And when you felt it, you got a little bit wet. It's completely understandable. I mean, when was the last time you had up to 12 inches like this?

Spring Break January came to an abrupt halt in the Illadelph this weekend, as we were hit by a Nor'easter that had an eye like a hurricane. Anywhere between 12 to 18 inches dropped locally, while NYC was pelted with a record amount that I don't care enough about to look up. And if this snow storm has confirmed anything, it's that the lifelong residents of the Philadelphia area are, indeed, pussies. That this is even newsworthy while Michelle Kwan was considering dropping out of the Olympics speaks volumes about the fair city. And it's not saying good things.

Learn to drive in the snow. If you refuse to do this, then please stay off the roads. Thanks!

Speaking of fun white stuff, Dick Cheney totally shot someone in the face. No, not that way. The outspoken NRA supporter Vice President shot one of his hunting buddies in the face and neck area this weekend, in what the White House describes as an accident. You probably thought that Deadeye Dick was kept in the bunkers all those times for his protection, little did we know that he was being kept there for our protection. That said, we would normally just adorn Dick with the title of Greatest Vice President Ever, as we would bestow that title to anyone in any profession that shot someone in the face. But we can't do that here because we can think of 3 greater Vice Presidents right off the top of our heads.

1. John Nance Garner- A Vice President to FDR, Garner felt that keeping one's mouth shut, whiskey drinking, poker playing, and understanding the legislative process were useful skills. On Garner's 95th birthday (November 22, 1963), he spoke to President John F. Kennedy over the telephone in regard to the upcoming 1964 Presidential campaign. He vowed to support Kennedy's bid as long as he himself was alive; ironically, Kennedy was assassinated later that day. Note: that's Wikipedia's liberal use of the word "ironically," not ours.

2. Spiro Agnew- Vice President to Richard Nixon. His birth name was Spiros Anagnostopoulos, but he changed it to Sprio Agnew once he realized that he could rearrange the letters to spell "Grow a Penis."

3. Aaron Burr- Probably the coolest Vice President ever, he served under Thomas Jefferson. Burr succeeded in actually killing a wealthy attorney, albeit a Federalist, Alexander Hamilton, with a gun. Burr gets extra points, though, because he actually killed a Cabinet member. In a duel, which is basically the most badass thing one could ever do. He probably had sex with Hamilton's wife right afterwards, though Wikipedia does not confirm that. Remind me to add that to the Wiki-page later. Then he attempted to take over the country with the head of the Army, who happened to be an undercover Spanish agent. Which is? Fucking awesome.

If you didn't catch the final episodes of Arrested Development on Friday, then you're an idiot. I really can't talk about it any more, or I will have to wash down that pill I just found on the bathroom floor with whatever I put in my flask this morning. I am serious. It was brilliant. And now it's over.

You can't help but wonder what a less forgiving God would have sent our way instead of this snowstorm for letting such brilliance fade away. Think about that.

4 Comments:

  • At 8:23 AM, Anonymous moi said…

    I challenege you to a duel. Except using stink blasters http://www.stinkblaster.com/splash_go.html not actual guns. guffaw!

     
  • At 3:58 PM, Blogger The Kettle said…

    stop. AD ain't over!

     
  • At 9:07 AM, Anonymous tony said…

    do you think triggery dick did it on purpose?

     
  • At 1:23 PM, Blogger little spanish eddie said…

    no humpday asshole? don't you realise some people live for that?

     

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