The Ties That Bind: When Gays Get Bored

This is my first time living alone, and sometimes it’s apparent. I am sometimes so starved for robust conversation that dialogues like this transpire, reminding me I need to get out more. Just to give you, the reader, special insight into the banality of my day to day living , I present to you selections from my most scintillating email conversation this week. Just in time for Fathers’ Day, it’s about neckties. Please note the serious stance and intricate analysis with which we approach the delicate subject. (Special thanks to Pauly for daring to engage me on such a controversial topic.)

P: What are you wearing today?

Z: I am wearing navy blue suit, light blue shirt, lime green and light blue diagonally striped tie. It's heaven for my eyes and skin tone. Like I said, I am a winter.

P: Holla Back Girl! Isn’t it still a little warm for a suit? But the tie does sound divine!

Z: Sadly, I have to wear business attire all the time. Unless the judge isn't here. What what! The tie is divine. I think you would love my tie collection. It's vivid and fun, yet refined and sophisticated.

P: I think you probably do have an amazing tie collection. I need to do some work on mine. Often I buy a tie simply because it is an economically sound decision and I rationalize, "P, you are a teacher, the students don’t care what yourties look like" and "P, you never wear a tieoutside of school, so who cares?" So, it is difficult. My friend, Bill, argues that teachers may be the worst dressed people.

Z: My tie collection went from adequate to amazing with research on amazing discount designer ties. Nordstrom Rack has an extensive selection of cheap shirts and ties, and it's a virtual heaven of mixing and matching. Honestly, I could have done it all day. Teachers are notoriously poorly dressed for exactly the attitude youconfess. Students may not care about your tie, but you have to getout of the mindset that EVERYTHING you do is for the students. First,I know you're not that selfless. Second, you feel good when you lookgood. Third, students may pay more attention to ties than you think.

P: I may have to attend a good Nordstrom sale, and you are right about 3) some of the sharper students do pay attention to ahot tie. 2) I LOVE looking hot. But you are wrong, I am so very selfless.

Z: Ok, whatever. Another perk: when I first got this job, I knew I would need an arsenal of tie-power to impress the judge and to make Sandy drool. I bought about 10 ties. I was giddy with anticipation to get up each morning and wear one of them. Sometimes, I wouldn't even pick the tie until that morning! After all, I like to live on the edge. When I was at the big horrible firm that shall remain nameless, the mid-level associate/spawn of Satan for whom I had to do bidding would only utilize a rotation of 4 ties. That told me everything I needed to know about him. He was insolent; I had no time in my life for someone with that lack of variety. Predictably, all the ties were boring.

P: 1. I am so happy, for you are frontline of tie power.2. I hope when you quit you said very bitchily, "youmight want to get some new ties!" 3. You truly live on the proverbial edge.

Z: No, I didn't have a bitchy comment about that jerk's horrible tie collection upon leaving the firm. I have no idea what I was thinking. However, I might have left something similar on that asshole's voice mail once in a alcohol-fueled, drunk-dialing fit the night after my law school graduation. It just really bothered me.
P: That is delicious! Nothing like drunk phone messages, especially in a professional arena!

Z: I said my tie collection was professional; I didn't say that I was. I can't believe this tie conversation lasted so long, but I kind of love it.

End Scene.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was the pinnacle of my intellectual conversation for the week so far. Kill me now.