Jolie-Pitt Rhymes with Holy Shit
Well, it's Wednesday, and my interns just reminded me it's time for the Second Ever weekly installment of Humpday Asshole. This week's Humpday Asshole (trademark pending) was not as obvious a pick as last week's, but that does not make her any less invidious.
So, who does it suck to be this week?
Zahara Jolie-Pitt, adopted wunderkind of the stars
Oh my God, you're thinking, how can you pick on a baby? That's what you're thinking. But this is no ordinary baby. This particular baby has set into motion a series of events that could lead to chaos and disaster the likes of which Earth has not seen since the days of Napoleon.
Let me show you why.
*First you have to ask yourself why all parents decide to have babies. The answer, of course, is that the previous child just wasn't good enough. Obviously, Zahara could not live up to the hype of being America's newest sweetheart, so Angelina Jolie had to take leave of the pill and resign herself to the fact that she should just finally get around to bestowing unto this world the legitmate fruit of her loins. Were Zahara more affable, maybe a bit cuter, Angelina might have never felt this way.
*Another problem for Zahara is that her brother is super adorable and wears a Mohawk. Zahara is BALD. She can't rock a mohawk, and Cambodian orphan always trumps Ethiopian orphan. It's, like, a major rule or something that we learned in Model U.N. (Also, you might be thinking that if Maddox were a better kid, then they never would have adopted Zahara in the first place. Wrong. Maddox was so cute, that Angelina was deceived into thinking she could take the cutest kid on each continent for her very own little multi-hued Von Trapp family. Understandable. Look at his cute mohawk!)
*Zahara requires carrying, which blocks views of Angelina Jolie's pert bosoms or Brad Pitt's lithe pecs. Attention hog! Everyone is a loser here.
*Zahara's inability to live up to the hype has resulted in the creation of a super-child. Nostradomus predicted this right before his death. There are several ways this story can transpire. None of them is a happy ending for society. Let's take a look at the ramifications. This list is in no way exhaustive of the disastrous possibilities.
1. A child will be born unto Brangelina that is so beautiful, only the pure will be able to look directly at it. All others will have their corneas burned out at the very sight of the child. Does the earth really need more blind people? Those who are able to see the specimen of perfection will lose so much self-esteem that eating disorders will abound and plastic surgery will be as de rigeuer as dancefloor handjobs at Shampoo on Friday nights. Or so I have heard.
2. A child will be born that can never live up the expectations as the child of the planet's both beautiful couple. Society will lose their faith in a higher being and in each other. Wars will start. Famine will sweep the land. For more information, please see the Revelations chapter of a book called "The Holy Bible." Then a movie will be made about the dire situation that will likely star Dakota Fanning, screaming like a banshee.
3. Jennifer Aniston, justifiably depressed, that she is not Angelina Jolie will throw herself headlong into making more movies. What's your favorite Jennifer Aniston movie? I thought so. Again, wars will start. Famine will sweep the land.
Zahara had ONE JOB: being America's cutest adoptee. She was supposed to make it chic to steal a child or two from Africa. Now, we will have to listen to Bono yap about debt relief for another 10 years or so. Maybe our expectations were too high for little Zahara; maybe she did all she could.
It's not our job to think too much about that. It is our job to point fingers at others, no matter how unfairly. She may take solace in the fact that she will have a life of privilege about which you and I can only dream as super adoption lottery winner.
Thus, it is with a heavy heart and much regret that True Enough For You names Zahara Jolie-Pitt the Humpday Asshole (trademark pending).