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Friday, February 17, 2006

Gay/ Countergay: Top Model Cycle 6 Snap Judgment

Here are the latest hamsters from America's Next Top Model. MLC or one of his many interns from Nervous Breakdown and I have come together once again to offer our sage opinions about the losers of reality television.

This is how it works: You refer here to the pictures of the new girls. You read the commentary that MLC and I provide. We are not deciding now who our favorites are or who is most likely give Nigel Barker a hardon.

We are merely making snap judgments based on pictures, which is what the world of the Top Model is all about. And with Janice gone, someone has to step up and DO IT.

If you want to see this done more professionally and with pictures, go here, to Nervous Breakdown.

Until then:

Brooke, 22, student, Corpus Christi, Texas

TEFY: I believe she's taking time off from the touring company of "Million Dollar baby" the musical to take part in Top Model. But shouldn't they use stage fighting instead of letting her get punched in the face?

The NB: Are those those wax lips? This one does totally look like she could kick our ass, but, honestly, Apple Paltrow-Martin could, so...Anyway, this girl doesn't have a chance.

Danielle, 20, babysitter, Little Rock, Arkansas

TEFY: She kind of looks like the meanest babysitter ever in her picture. She would defintely cut a bitch. I will be much more interested in her if she throws a fit when some stank bitch pours beer on her weave.

The NB: Babysitter?! Don't people just leave their two-year-olds alone in Arkansas? Isn't that how fire was discovered? Frankly we would never let anyone with whatever that is around her neck near our little Madison and Holden.

Furonda, 24, student, Stuttgart, Arkansas

TEFY: Another Arkansas girl, and thank God for that. Remember Muppet babies? Well, if they were putting together "TLC Babies," she would be Baby T-Boz. Or she might actually juse BE Tatiana Ali. Which is a shame.

The NB: We actually had a Furonda in college. If she's anything like ours, she'll go far. LIke to New Orleans for an unfortunate weekend.

Gina, 21, translator, Tampa

TEFY: I didn't think that Tyra would ever acknowledge that there are about 3 billion Asians in the world, and one might actually be on the way to becoming America's next top model. She loves "Schindler's List," obviously vying for the Jew fans' love.

The NB: We'd like to congratulate Gina on being the first female Asian American not to call herself Susan. Unfortunately, we loathe the name Gina. So we'll be calling her Susan, as in "Susan has huge teeth."

Jade, 26, restaurant hostess, Philadelphia

TEFY: I saw 5 not-as-scary-as-hell girls in Philly this morning on the way to my garage, and one of them was smoking a crack pipe.

The NB: Wethinks "Jade" may be the first-ever CGI "Top Model," which would really be a nice "Mole"-style twist. You remember "The Mole"? It's the reality show Anderson Cooper hosted before he got the role of journalist. By the way, we will be calling her "Zsa-day."

Joanie, 24, sales associate, Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania

TEFY: I was sad to see she didn't list "Chachi" under her interests, but I have to love a small-town PA girl who loves "The Goonies" and "Futurama."

The NB: Congrats on claiming the Chachi joke, Zach. Sorry about your state having a town called Beaver Falls, though. Anyway, this gal kind of looks like what Celine Dion would look like if she ate. Fingers crossed that she's as certifiably bananas as Celine.

Beaver Falls!

Kari, 18, student, Brookings, South Dakota

TEFY: Obviously delusional with "What Dreams May Come," I think she's actually one of the daughters from "Kate and Allie." She's pouty and short.

The NB: Poor thing.

Kathy, 20, house painter, Brevard, North Carolina

TEFY: She must be really working the house painter angle because her picture is so boring that I almost fell asleep at my desk trying to think of something to say. Sort of like watching paint dry. ZING!

The NB: Oh no. Perhaps we "poor thing"-ed too early. Hmmm. Maybe the TRESemmé Hair Salon and L'Oréal Paris Makeup Room are still open. This one may be the first to go.

Leslie, 18, student, Higley, Arizona

TEFY: No joke for a second? Leslie is stunning. I would have hoped for her to be run over by a car or disfigured by acid in Chemistry class if she went to my high school.

The NB: She's not bad. But we're having a hard time getting over what may be the worst collection of names of any cycle of ANTM. Gina, Joanie, Kathy and now Leslie. We know you booted Janice and hired Twiggy so the spotlight would revert back to you, Tyra, but, really,
this is a little too much.

Mollie Sue, 25, waitress, Tampa

TEFY: Didn't I predict last year that sooner or later Lara Flynn Boyle was going to don a red wig and somehow finagle her way onto this show like she does on every other show? I didn't? I meant to. And I was right. Also, there is no way Filet Mignon has ever touched her lips.
Look at her in the group picture!

The NB: Mollie Sue??? Oy. People with two names can never be trusted, nor can people from Florida. She'll either end up winning the whole thing or killing a German family at a rest stop just outside of Kissimmee. Either way, Charlize Theron will eventually end up playing

Nnenna, 24, chemist, Houston

TEFY: No matter how pretty, I would always have a hard time rooting for someone whose name consists of 67% of the same letter. She's being an "N" hog.

The NB: Nice try, Yaya.

Sara, 22, student, Davis, California

TEFY: I really have nothing to say about her except that she's waytall. And hopefully she's the dyke of the crew. They had 3 or 4 lesbians last year, someone here has to be one. Why not Sarah?

The NB: First off, we appreciate the addition of the "h" to Sara, Zach, and we're sure all correctly spelled Sarahs do, too. And shouldn't someone from California be tanner? All our LA friends constantly remind us how, whilst we're in the middle of a blizzard, they're getting tans. Fuck you all, including you, Sarah.

Wendy, 22, retail assistant manager, New Orleans

TEFY: Yay Indian. I am glad it only took Tyra 6 seasons, er, Cycles, to realize that there are more than 2 races: Bland White and Sassy Black. Yes, I know that Cycle 3 had an Indian girl, but they refused to give her a makeover and then booted her ass for having real-life
aspirations. That said, she looks like Maya Rudolph with Paris Hilton's nose.

The NB: Our final contestant is, indeed, an Indian and will go far because of that. Our money may even be on Priy...Wendy. OK. That's it. We quit.

Once again, Tyra Banks, doing a handstand.


  • At 1:10 PM, Anonymous moi said…

    Ok, this season is disappointing already. What's with the geriatrics and Sonic employees? I hate you Tyra Banks!
    I mean it's not as if these girls don't work after the show. A'man'da was featured in a high profile Levis ads...specifically showcasing BLIND people!!! Im sure that was something she always dreamed.

    for the record--Mollie Sue would so win...if she were 7 years younger.

  • At 11:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

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