True Enough For You

Check your thighs in the mirror, ma. I'm done.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Jolie-Pitt Rhymes with Holy Shit

Well, it's Wednesday, and my interns just reminded me it's time for the Second Ever weekly installment of Humpday Asshole. This week's Humpday Asshole (trademark pending) was not as obvious a pick as last week's, but that does not make her any less invidious.

So, who does it suck to be this week?

Zahara Jolie-Pitt, adopted wunderkind of the stars

Oh my God, you're thinking, how can you pick on a baby? That's what you're thinking. But this is no ordinary baby. This particular baby has set into motion a series of events that could lead to chaos and disaster the likes of which Earth has not seen since the days of Napoleon.

Let me show you why.

*First you have to ask yourself why all parents decide to have babies. The answer, of course, is that the previous child just wasn't good enough. Obviously, Zahara could not live up to the hype of being America's newest sweetheart, so Angelina Jolie had to take leave of the pill and resign herself to the fact that she should just finally get around to bestowing unto this world the legitmate fruit of her loins. Were Zahara more affable, maybe a bit cuter, Angelina might have never felt this way.

*Another problem for Zahara is that her brother is super adorable and wears a Mohawk. Zahara is BALD. She can't rock a mohawk, and Cambodian orphan always trumps Ethiopian orphan. It's, like, a major rule or something that we learned in Model U.N. (Also, you might be thinking that if Maddox were a better kid, then they never would have adopted Zahara in the first place. Wrong. Maddox was so cute, that Angelina was deceived into thinking she could take the cutest kid on each continent for her very own little multi-hued Von Trapp family. Understandable. Look at his cute mohawk!)

*Zahara requires carrying, which blocks views of Angelina Jolie's pert bosoms or Brad Pitt's lithe pecs. Attention hog! Everyone is a loser here.

*Zahara's inability to live up to the hype has resulted in the creation of a super-child. Nostradomus predicted this right before his death. There are several ways this story can transpire. None of them is a happy ending for society. Let's take a look at the ramifications. This list is in no way exhaustive of the disastrous possibilities.

1. A child will be born unto Brangelina that is so beautiful, only the pure will be able to look directly at it. All others will have their corneas burned out at the very sight of the child. Does the earth really need more blind people? Those who are able to see the specimen of perfection will lose so much self-esteem that eating disorders will abound and plastic surgery will be as de rigeuer as dancefloor handjobs at Shampoo on Friday nights. Or so I have heard.

2. A child will be born that can never live up the expectations as the child of the planet's both beautiful couple. Society will lose their faith in a higher being and in each other. Wars will start. Famine will sweep the land. For more information, please see the Revelations chapter of a book called "The Holy Bible." Then a movie will be made about the dire situation that will likely star Dakota Fanning, screaming like a banshee.

3. Jennifer Aniston, justifiably depressed, that she is not Angelina Jolie will throw herself headlong into making more movies. What's your favorite Jennifer Aniston movie? I thought so. Again, wars will start. Famine will sweep the land.

Zahara had ONE JOB: being America's cutest adoptee. She was supposed to make it chic to steal a child or two from Africa. Now, we will have to listen to Bono yap about debt relief for another 10 years or so. Maybe our expectations were too high for little Zahara; maybe she did all she could.

It's not our job to think too much about that. It is our job to point fingers at others, no matter how unfairly. She may take solace in the fact that she will have a life of privilege about which you and I can only dream as super adoption lottery winner.

Thus, it is with a heavy heart and much regret that True Enough For You names Zahara Jolie-Pitt the Humpday Asshole (trademark pending).


  • At 8:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I can pick on a baby, too. Zahara just isn't cute and 'Starvin Marvin' comes to mind....all the time. Viva Maddox! His Ramones tee won my heart.

  • At 2:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    nice, comfy place you got here :)..

  • At 9:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    You people are disgusting. Tell me,How is it any of your concern what child Angelina Jolie adopts? How dare you say that her new adopted baby, Zahara isn't cute. Is it because she is black? Honestly, is this the reason? More starving children from Africa need to be adopted, for OBVIOUS reasons. So why the hell are you bashing Angelina Jolie for adopting an ethiopian baby. I'm sure you didn't write a whole gossip collumn, when she adopted her asian son, Maddox. So why are writing one now? Don't you have better things to talk about, besides your closed-minded beliefs? Another thing you commented how whenever you see Zahara 'Starvin Marvin' comes to mind. Well duh, this would come to your mind, you fucking idiot. she was starving in Africa, before Angelina adopted her. whoever wrote this article is really fucking stupid. And I don't wanna get a reply, saying 'some peole just can't accept the truth.' Bullshit, there's a difference between an honest person, and an idiot.

  • At 2:44 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said… all are idiots...get a life...(not that i should say anything cause i'm actually taking the time to read this crap)lol...JESUS CHRIST LIVES!!!!! GOD BLESS EVERYONE...AND ANGELINA JOLIE WILL GET SAVED...seriously.

  • At 12:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I came across your site and laughed so hard I nearly wet my pants. I think this is the best satire I have read since Francis Bacon's essay on what should be done with the offspring of the poor!

    (and I do think Zahara is a cutie, by the way!) Hey, has anyone thought what would happen if the Jolie-Pit offspring doesn't measure up to the hype? I already feel sorry for the poor thing!

  • At 3:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Some of you really need to get a life pronto! Zahara is very cute to me, probably better looking than most of you and your kids. But, thank God for Angela and Brad that can see that the issues this little baby faced in Ethopia transcended looks. Don't be so superficial. Look beyond yourselves in the mirror and look at what you see. And by the way, Maddox is from Cambodia, he's not asian. Surely you can see that this is not about anything but love and caring. Be glad that another human being has it in them and learn something from this.

  • At 10:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Laaammmmmmme. Too bad we couldn't see the sad, lonesome, fat 40 year old pedophile virgin with the receeding hairline that wrote the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen...or, hmm..I may want to re-think that because "I may go blind". *Oh, and..yes, I was trying to be equally as lame as you* I can appreciate a variety of humor. But, honestly... I do have the smallest bit of sympathy for you as to what kind of crazy shit you endured when you were a child to come up with crazy and IMMATURE shit like this. Words can't describe how ashamed you should be of yourself. I know that someone as inhumane as you wouldn't even consider that thought, so I'll drop it now. Despite how immature you are *and that goes for 'moi'as well*, it's time for you to grow up. Just remember; she'll be rich, and have the ability to appreciate life as someone was so benevolent to save her from the hell she would have endured (as well as Maddox)..and btw, no, I hardly like Angelina Jolie... but I do appreciate her humanity. It's kind of really sad when you can't pick on someone your own age (if you have to pick on anyone at all)and choose to discriminate against kids. And..if you were actually tying to be funny, then I think you should be shot.

  • At 7:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Wat the hell is the matter with you? Maddox and Zahara were both living in 3rd world contires when Angelina adopeted them.

    Maddox and Zahara are very blessed to have parents like theirs.

    You say Zahara is an ugly baby. I say she is beautiful little girl who is loved by many, and personally i dont think she gives a shit about what you think is ugly, nor will she ever. She will grow up to be a great ambassador, just as her parents both are.

    Congratulations by the way, to Brad and Angelina on the birth of their new daughter, Shiloh.

  • At 1:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    You know, a sense of humor would do some of you above posters good. How is writing satire about Angelina and Brad's publicity stunt kid being disgusting, sick, or so immature? It's not hurting them or their adopted children at all. Hell, I'm sure they probably might even have enough sense to get a chuckle out of it.

    Entertaining read though, even if it was taken far too seriously by a few people.

  • At 10:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Marsha: Cambodia is in ASIA

    Marsha said...
    Some of you really need to get a life pronto! Zahara is very cute to me, probably better looking than most of you and your kids. But, thank God for Angela and Brad that can see that the issues this little baby faced in Ethopia transcended looks. Don't be so superficial. Look beyond yourselves in the mirror and look at what you see. And by the way, Maddox is from Cambodia, he's not asian. Surely you can see that this is not about anything but love and caring. Be glad that another human being has it in them and learn something from this.

  • At 5:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I thought it was funny. Who cares if anyone thinks the kids are "cute" or not? I am more disgusted with celebrities buying children in third world countries. If they really want to "save" these children they will put their money where their mouth is and invest in these countries. Do something to help the economy so that people aren't in the awful position of selling thier children in the first place!

  • At 4:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Marsha, I hope you realize that Cambodia is a country and Asia is a continent. Cambodia is a country within Asia, Southeast Asia to be exact. Where did you think Cambodia was?

  • At 12:12 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Would someone please help the author of this ridiculous article GET A FUCKING LIFE.

  • At 8:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    The person who wrote this gossip column needs Jesus. Racism isn't as attractive as it may have seemed when you were putting together this nonsense. How sad.

  • At 1:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…


  • At 10:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    God certainly has a sense of humour, and intent is as important as the message. I don't think there is ANY intent here of racism. People just find whatever it is they are looking for.
    I don't think Zahara is an attractive baby, but thats because she has a huge forehead and huge eyes that are disproportionate. Maybe she'll grow out of it. But shiloh is a very beautiful baby. I hope she is not treated differently for being the biological child. Parents of adopted kids tend to over-compensate for the fact that they are not biological kids.

    And who is the moron who has no idea of race anyway? (I refer to the idiot who said Cambodians are NOT an asian race) Diversity is in having different races. That makes the world interesting and beautiful. Get over your over-sensitized pervision to any disscusion regarding race or religion. YOU are the one with an issue of racism and being a victim, NO-ONE else brought it up.

    Besides, I LOVE Jesus, and i still think the author is hilarious.

  • At 5:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Why was my previous comment removed? Are we afraid of the truth? I see you allow all the profanities to stay, but when someone calls you on being oversensitive to race and your juvenile perjorative "racist taunts" it's removed. The baby is unattractive because she has a large forehead and large eyes which are disporportionate to the rest of her face. Not because of her colour.

  • At 8:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    you people are just being soo ignerent this child would have been in africa starving right now you are also being rude cause she is black and i know it! she is still a baby she needs atenttion now she cant just go up to angelina and say pick me up . she is probably holding shiloh maddox is okay but she could have been living with hiv aids so whoever wrote this article think about the hungry kids in africa. thousands of years ago your ancestors had us in slavery and you took africa's gold and money and this is why some of arica is like this now! there are people that are helping but we need everyone just now feed the children. godbless brad and angie bye!

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