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Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Humpday Asshole: Haterade on Brokeback Mountain


Humpday Asshole!

Today's honor goes to:

Larry H. Miller, owner of the Utah Jazz, bigot and movie theater mogul.

About a week ago, Mr. Miller decided to pull showings of Brokeback Mountain from his chain of Utah theaters. In case you've been living under a rock or hunched in the fetal position in the corner of your apartment for the past 6 months, you should know that Brokeback Mountain is a movie about cowboys who fall in love, mumble stuff and then anally sodomize under endless skies and gorgeous landscapes.

If you have not seen it, you must. It is a delight. It's won more awards than you can shake a phallus at. My only complaints about the movie are that there was not enough shirtless action and Jenn Lindley from Dawson's Creek didn't whine, "Gram!" once. However, she made lots of sad, sad faces.

But I digress.

So Larry H. Miller? He pulled the movie after being alerted about the gay content within. That's a bad thing, but it just makes him as ass.

He hasn't done anything constitutionally wrong; so, please stop your yapping about free speech, etc.

What he did is maybe worse. He's helped fire up the Christian Right:

The bigots at Utah Eagle Forum, that state's offshoot of the pro-family organization founded in 1972 by Phyllis Schlafly, were giddy over the censorship. Said President Gayle Ruzicka: "I think it sets an example for all the people in Utah and, like I said before, [Miller is] my new hero. It's such a terrible show, and it is such a horrible message. I just think (pulling the show) tells the young people especially that maybe there is something wrong with this show."

Yes, this would set a bad example for all those in Utah. I am not saying people from Utah are crazy, but pick up a copy of Under the Banner of Heaven. Plus, I made out with a Mormon once.

I just like to bring that up in conversation.

So this week, when asked about it, Mr. Miller slapped microphones away from his face like a petulant baby and bratted that he had, "already said what he needed to say."

For the sake of irony, his reiteration of intolerance occurred when a radio reporter approached him for a comment as he was entering a hotel ballroom to deliver a speech at the local NAACP’s annual Martin Luther King luncheon. Of course!

While you cannot see Brokeback Mountain at his movie theaters, you can see a movie about a group of boys being ball-gagged and dismembered, Chinese women cast to be Japanese (an Asian will do!) and Heath Ledger having sex with many, many women.

So Larry, relax. I can't think of anyone who needs a night in a tent with Jake Gyllenhaal more than you. Oh wait. Yes I can. Me.

Runner up: Dennis Quaid, actor/douchebag.

At the Golden Globe Awards the other night he said this while introducing a clip of Brokeback Mountain:

“Our last nominated drama tells the story of two young cowboys who met in the summer if 1963 and forge an unexpected, lifelong connection that proves the endurance and power of love. It’s a controversial film. It’s…let’s just say it rhymes with ‘chick flick.’”

Get it? He means dick flick!

Now, we're not upset because we think the joke was in poor taste or that it went over like a lead balloon. No, we love that shit.

We're mad because Dennis didn't ad-lib the more sophisticated alternative joke, calling the movie Bareback Mountain. Honestly, could Annie
Proulx have set you up any better?

And basically around here he's absolved for any wrongdoing around these parts for putting the liplock on his very male colleague in Far From Heaven and being near Jake in The Day After the Earth Freezes, or some shit. It's hard he's good enough of an actor to take those parts and be homophobic.

Another bad joke like that though? We won't be so forgiving.

We'll send you to Utah to catch a dick flick with Larry. And we don't mean a movie.

2 Comments:

  • At 6:05 PM, Blogger The NB said…

    I certainly agree with you about Mr. Miller. However, as retarded as Quaid's comment was (for which, perhaps, Mr. Bruce Vilanch may have been responsible—all terrible awards show banter is now attributed to him and rightly so), his exquisite, underrated performance in "Far From Heaven" seems to cancel it out. He is now at 0.

     
  • At 9:49 AM, Blogger little spanish eddie said…

    actually that comment from dennis quaid was kind of funny, if not contrived.

     

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