America's Next Top Teleconference- Part I

To make a what deserves a long introduction short, I will tell you this: I was invited to take part in a "unique" way of reaching out to the blogosphere and fans of Top Model by participating in an "online blogger teleconference." The crack PR staff of Top Model basically wanted me and Matt to cut down on our harsh critiques of everything that happens on the show by dangling the notion of famous entertainment journalist in front of our faces.

Well, we bit. After all we were getting a chance to talk to Jay Manuel, executive producer Ken Mok and love of my life, half Sri Lankan dreamboat and noted fashion photographer Nigel F. Barker. Would you pass it up? I thought not.

So, at 8:00 p.m. last night armed only with my cell phone, a secret website with requisite password and a plate of cheese fries, I sat down to tune into the teleconference. The deal was that I was supposed to call a secret number and be put in a queue. I never expceted to actually be able to talk to the "talent," as promised. Still though, I lit my Our Lady of Guadalupe candle next to my laptop and prayed. While I waited for Nigel to pick up the phone, I typed notes furiously listening to the other callers and their penetrating inquiries. Picture me, typing with both hands and a cell phone sandwiched between my ear and shoulder.

No, don't. On second thought, picture Jane Fonda doing it like when she was in 9 to 5. That's funnier.

What follows is the recap of my experience, pieced together from my illegible notes and patchy memory.

Jackie
First of all, it should be known that Jackie could not get her shit together. it took her almost a minute to ask what an outside observer might liberally qualify as an interrogative. She wanted to know, despite the presence of Cover Girl of the Week, why America doesn't vote for the winner of ANTM.

What they said: Jay and Nigel both agreed that industry professionals, such as themselves, have their fingers (orange or otherwise) on the pulse of the fashion industry. Ken Mok was afraid that girls would feign nice personalities for the camera to try and garner votes. Also, none of the panelists know to waht extent, if any, that the girls are psycho hose beasts in the home environment. Duh.

What they meant: They are all about drama and picking a girl who very well may never get work again. Also, I believe that all panelists know when it's time to get rid of someone.

What I said: At this point Jackie kept talking about stuff, thinking that this was America's Next Top Jackie. It wasn't. So, Nigel hung up on her mid-question. Amazing. Jay, all frosty, laughed. I did, too.

Stella
This caller claimed to be Canada's biggest ANTM fan. Can you imagine a more pathetic thing to claim? Maybe Kazakhstan's biggest Skating with the Celebrities fan? She wanted to know why these guys thought the show lasted so long. Really? That's what she went with?

What they said: They said, without a shred of irony, that this show is about aspirational beauty and love and relating to women who go through transformations. It's all about metamorphosis. And they stay fresh and original because Tyra always asks, "Are we keeping this real?" It's like her Carpe Diem or something.

What they meant: Honestly, Stella, we have no idea how this lasted so long. Everyone loves a freakshow, and it's fun to see girls who think they're models be told they should never show their faces in pictures, that they have a snout or that they look like an penis-toting amputee that escaped from a mental hospital.

What I said: I sort of blanked out and started to day dream when Nigel talked about being hung up by wires and getting soaking wet all the time in photo shoots. However, I think you really could catch the vibe from these guys that they love to torture girls. And that? Is the reason I tune in. And, of course, with the small hope of seeing wet Nigel.

Next, Part II.