True Enough For You

Check your thighs in the mirror, ma. I'm done.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

I Have Spoken It Into Existence

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

You Got It Bad. You're Hot For Teacher.

Oh Goodness! It’s my 100th post! Ever!

In order to celebrate, I have gifts for you, the loyal readers! Keep reading!

Never let it be said that True Enough For You is lacking in educational content. I know that knowledge is power and that there is no greater gift that I can give to my readers. I feel like my readers supply me with power. Cycles are so in right now, so read this and learn something, damn it! For those of you who haven’t quite caught on, the knowledge herein is the gift I promised above.

Shut up, just keep reading.

You would probably be best not to mess with Philadelphia. No really, they will cut you. Those singers always look so innocent, too. Philadelphians get especially mad when they don’t make the playoffs. If they don’t carry pocket knives, they carry machetes. Oh, and don’t EVEN get them started when you start talking shit about their football team. As we have seen, this warning goes double for those who actually were on the roster for said football team.

What’s that noise you hear? You probably thought that the Democratic party was dead, but apparently they have a pulse. It may be faint, this pulse, but it appears that Democrats won a few big races in the latest elections held yesterday. (Yesterday was election day? I know, right?!) New Jersey and Virginia held onto their Democratic governorship strongholds (despite visits from George W. Bush during the campaigns). Some Pennsylvanians even had the good sense to stand up to intelligent design by wiping the slate clean of their conservative school board. The federal trial, however, still looms like a dark cloud over the separation of church and state.

In another sign that the apocalypse may be upon us, not only did Tyra Banks don a fat suit in a very special episode of her magnum opus/talk show, but it turns out that three out politicians were elected in Ohio. That kind of stuff doesn’t even happen in places that gays actually visit (or have heard of)! Congrats to them. However, the election news wasn’t completely glorious for the gays. It turns out that, in a move that surprised no one, the Texas electorate came together to ban gay marriage once and for all. This was notable for many reasons, among them: the KKK showed up to mount a protest in favor of the marriage ban and, um, most people didn’t realize that gay marriage wasn’t legal there to begin with. Those silly Texans!

Gays can’t get married in Texas, but pandas can get married in Thailand. Yeah, that about says it all.

One reason why gay marriage may never be legal is that when given the misguided notion that they are talented designers, a minimal budget and apparently an unhealthy amount of acid, they do things like this to innocent bedrooms. Maybe when the terror stops, widespread acceptance of gay marriage will begin. As Gijyun said, "Okay, you know what? if someone did this to my bedroom, i'd fire them, rehire them, and fire them again."

Consolation? Here's a list of the best man on man kisses in the history of cinema. I am all about number two on the list.

In the meantime, whether you’re gay, straight or a panda, you should check out what Time magazine calls the 100 best novels written in the English language since 1923. (Sorry, Ulysses.) I was surprised to see that I have actually read a bunch of them. I was even more surprised to realize that I have never heard of some of them. Seriously, take a look. It’s in a book. A reading rainbow. You. Can. Do. Anything!

Do you know where you are right now? If you’re an American, chances are you don’t. Year after year, Americans are ranked somewhere near the bottom of the pile regarding geographical awareness. This website helps stupid Americans, not unlike you, learn more about your place in this world and other places, too. Thanks to MP for the heads up. Take the quiz and see if you can identify countries in a certain amount of time. Also, see if you can beat 90% accuracy (who cares where Benin is, anyway?).

Now, if I gave my humble servants as much information as I just gave you, the reader, there would be a damn uprising up in here. I am off to feed them so as to avoid any hateration in this dancerie. Until next time, learn where Turkmenistan is, for your sake.

There's Something I Think You Should Know

Well, my life is boring this week. So here are some random facts I just received in a forwarded email (thanks KG). I can't verify that all or any of them are true, but whatever.

*The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.

*No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.

*Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

*You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

*Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

*The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

*The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

*American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.

*Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

*Apples are more efficient than caffeine at waking you up in the morning.

*Most dust particles in your house are made frrom dead skin cells.

*The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the first "MarlboroMan."

*Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

*Pearls melt in vinegar.

*The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

*It is possible to lead a cow upstairs ... but not downstairs.

*A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

*Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

*Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S. president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal."

That is all for now. Maybe something exciting will happen to me, and I can write about it. Otherwise, I am really going to just start making shit up.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Requiem For A Coffee Shop And An Easy Commute

Sometimes it pays to make out with people beyond the immediate benefits one might incur. For example, a few months ago (check the April archives for Skippy) I made out with a traveler passing through Philadelphia, and I didn’t think we would really talk much again. This is mostly because he had a boyfriend of 9 years. He was in some sort of open relationship, for all of you who are judging me right now. For Shame!

Anyway, it turns out his boyfriend is the drummer of a really cool band, The New Amsterdams. The lead singer of the New Ams is Matthew Pryor, formerly of The Get Up Kids. They used to be very big for the slacker college set. Lots of young one still follow him around maniacally, asking for autographs and to have his babies (females and gays only). Skippy got in touch with me and said that I could be a VIP guest for the concert when they played at Philadelphia’s Northstar Bar.

I was allowed to hang out backstage with the boys, drink beer with them and see their concert for free. Their set was amazing. They use an upright bass, which is pretty rad. Everyone in the band is very cute, and I got to hear great stories from the chaps in their basement dressing room. And Skippy’s drummer boyfriend Bill is basically the nicest person ever. I got to hang out with him and drink beer with him for an hour before the concert. He was much more composed and accommodating than I would have been with someone who made out with my boyfriend a while ago.

Thus, I can’t encourage you enough to check out the New Amsterdams and their upcoming children’s album, The Terrible Twos. Thanks New Ams!

Briefly: Fuck Septa! Usually I am all about the underdog. In sports, I root for the underdog unless I have a vested interest in the favorite. However, this is ridiculous. There are many reasons why I hate Septa right now:

1. You have made Philadelphia impossible to travel throughout, even for those not directly affected by your strike.
2. Policemen are on every corner as if the city were under siege. They blow their whistles a lot, and it makes my ears hurt.
3. You are forcing people to drive that should have no business ever being behind the wheel of any vehicle. It’s like a normal day in Massachusetts right here in Philadelphia.
4. Most workers have to contribute a small amount of their paycheck to their health insurance fund. Bus drivers should be doing the same thing.
5. I hate hearing about how my friends have to walk everywhere.
6. I think I broke my toe, and what if I needed to take a train somewhere?!

Segue: I think I broke my toe by stubbing it. It’s purple right now. And falling off my foot. Does anyone know how to fix a broken foot without having to see a doctor?

It’s the end of an era in Philadelphia for gay gawkers and drinkers of bad, expensive coffee in town. Millennium Coffee has closed down, creating a sudden dearth in the amount of places to watch men leave 12 Street Gym and make them feel self-conscious. Known for years as a popular meeting place for the gays and gay-friendly, the café served its last mochachino Sunday night, all for lack of profits. Turns out there was more sitting and staring than actual coffee drinking. So, gays must travel elsewhere to drink their lattes and chais to the tune of tribal beats. My condolences for the other local coffeeshops that will have to compensate and reluctantly welcome the spillover gays in search of caffeine. RIP Millennium, we hardly knew ye. I will always remember walking past you, hoping not to be groped by the perverts that sat in front of you. Those were the days.

Finally, this just in. Samuel Alito says abortions will remain legal, so long as they are performed with NRA-approved automatic weapons. Sodomy, however, will be strictly relegated to back alleys and porn shops.

C’est la vie.