True Enough For You

Check your thighs in the mirror, ma. I'm done.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Make It Happy To Last The Whole Day Long

Choose a band or artist and answer only in titles of their songs.

Band or artist: The Smiths

Say Hello:

Are you Male or Female:
This Charming Man

Describe yourself:
Handsome Devil/ Sweet and Tender Hooligan

How do some people feel about you:
Bigmouth Strikes Again

How do you feel about yourself:
The Boy With The Thorn in His Side

Describe your Ex-Boyfriend / Girlfriend:
Girlfriend in a Coma

Describe Current Boyfriend / Girlfriend:
I Started Something I Couldn't Finish

Describe where you want to be:

Describe how you Live:
Panic/ Work is a Four Letter Word

Describe how you Love:
Nowhere Fast

What would you ask for if you had just one wish:
A Rush and a Push and the Land is Ours

Share a few words of Wisdom:
Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others

Now say Goodbye:
You Just Haven't Earned It Yet, Baby

Monday, February 27, 2006

7 Things You Can Tell Just By Looking At Me

A couple things you need to know:

1. I took a week hiatus for no reason at all besides laziness. Sorry about that. It's also been busy at work, and see #2.

2. Sometime in the next couple weeks I will be starting a new job at a downtown firm. I had an interview on Thursday, and they let me know a couple hours later that they wanted me. I am totally dreading giving my two-weeks notice today, as I know that it will be hard for my current employer to get by without me. That is, I will be easily replaced maybe within minutes. I would say that that's a prevalent theme in my life, were I not so self-centered and monomaniacal. You'll get info as I get it, but not enough for you to stalk me. A boy needs his space.

3. I was home in the Scranton area for the weekend and was shocked to find that a bar there was really, really fun. It had possibly the best selection in a jukebox I have seen in years, people were dancing on the bar and there was even a movement to get a "wave" going from one end of the bar to the other. My delusions of Scrantonian grandeur were brought to a screeching halt after I walked down the street to their only "downtown" gay bar, which left much to be desired in terms of music selection and clientele. However, there was also dancing on the bar there: a five-foot tall, butterfaced stripper with an ill-fitting thong.

4. My brother got engaged, leaving me the only unengaged sibling in my family. He strategically asked me to do him the honor of being his best man a couple days before he told me the wedding was going to be dry. Well played, brother. For reasons that I will never understand (bride's family's alcohol problems, religion, money and God's ongoing campaign to smite me at every opportunity being a short, non-exhaustive list), the wedding will be sans alcohol. And before I could even say anything, he told me that includes flasks. So, I, the oldest sibling in my family, will stand by my brother at the altar, single and sober as a stone, contemplating ways to catch a buzz at the reception while my brother pledges his everlasting love. I blame Jesus. And all of a sudden, I am the good son again. Wheee!

5. In an odd series of events which included someone actually reading this blog, I have been invited to take part in an online blogger conference/interview with the producers and "talent" of America's Next Top Model. That includes Jay Manuel and, brace yourself, Nigel Barker. Apparently, someone from the PR staff of ANTM thought that Matt and I were joking about hating on all the new faux-mods for the new season. They want to extend the purveyors of the blogosphere the "unique opportunity" to comingle with the showdogs. So, if you have any questions for these people, let me know and I will try to pass them on. Please don't ask me to get you a private photo session with Nigel, though, as that will be for me and me only. This probably means that Matt and I will be covering Top Model all. Season. Long. So, stay tuned!

By the way, I didn't get to post it, but our latest edition of Gay/Countergay regarding the amazing Project Runway reunion episode appeared on Nervous Breakdown. It consisted of him making insightful comments and me just emerging from a wine haze the from the night before.

6. If you get a chance to jam out at bar to "Eleanor Rigby" by the Beatles, "Tell It Like It Is" by Etta James or "Girl" by Beck, do so post haste.

7. I am going to see Belle and Sebastian and the New Pornographers this week, I think. Is it this week? Someone tell me, please.

More later. LYLAS!

Friday, February 17, 2006

Gay/ Countergay: Top Model Cycle 6 Snap Judgment

Here are the latest hamsters from America's Next Top Model. MLC or one of his many interns from Nervous Breakdown and I have come together once again to offer our sage opinions about the losers of reality television.

This is how it works: You refer here to the pictures of the new girls. You read the commentary that MLC and I provide. We are not deciding now who our favorites are or who is most likely give Nigel Barker a hardon.

We are merely making snap judgments based on pictures, which is what the world of the Top Model is all about. And with Janice gone, someone has to step up and DO IT.

If you want to see this done more professionally and with pictures, go here, to Nervous Breakdown.

Until then:

Brooke, 22, student, Corpus Christi, Texas

TEFY: I believe she's taking time off from the touring company of "Million Dollar baby" the musical to take part in Top Model. But shouldn't they use stage fighting instead of letting her get punched in the face?

The NB: Are those those wax lips? This one does totally look like she could kick our ass, but, honestly, Apple Paltrow-Martin could, so...Anyway, this girl doesn't have a chance.

Danielle, 20, babysitter, Little Rock, Arkansas

TEFY: She kind of looks like the meanest babysitter ever in her picture. She would defintely cut a bitch. I will be much more interested in her if she throws a fit when some stank bitch pours beer on her weave.

The NB: Babysitter?! Don't people just leave their two-year-olds alone in Arkansas? Isn't that how fire was discovered? Frankly we would never let anyone with whatever that is around her neck near our little Madison and Holden.

Furonda, 24, student, Stuttgart, Arkansas

TEFY: Another Arkansas girl, and thank God for that. Remember Muppet babies? Well, if they were putting together "TLC Babies," she would be Baby T-Boz. Or she might actually juse BE Tatiana Ali. Which is a shame.

The NB: We actually had a Furonda in college. If she's anything like ours, she'll go far. LIke to New Orleans for an unfortunate weekend.

Gina, 21, translator, Tampa

TEFY: I didn't think that Tyra would ever acknowledge that there are about 3 billion Asians in the world, and one might actually be on the way to becoming America's next top model. She loves "Schindler's List," obviously vying for the Jew fans' love.

The NB: We'd like to congratulate Gina on being the first female Asian American not to call herself Susan. Unfortunately, we loathe the name Gina. So we'll be calling her Susan, as in "Susan has huge teeth."

Jade, 26, restaurant hostess, Philadelphia

TEFY: I saw 5 not-as-scary-as-hell girls in Philly this morning on the way to my garage, and one of them was smoking a crack pipe.

The NB: Wethinks "Jade" may be the first-ever CGI "Top Model," which would really be a nice "Mole"-style twist. You remember "The Mole"? It's the reality show Anderson Cooper hosted before he got the role of journalist. By the way, we will be calling her "Zsa-day."

Joanie, 24, sales associate, Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania

TEFY: I was sad to see she didn't list "Chachi" under her interests, but I have to love a small-town PA girl who loves "The Goonies" and "Futurama."

The NB: Congrats on claiming the Chachi joke, Zach. Sorry about your state having a town called Beaver Falls, though. Anyway, this gal kind of looks like what Celine Dion would look like if she ate. Fingers crossed that she's as certifiably bananas as Celine.

Beaver Falls!

Kari, 18, student, Brookings, South Dakota

TEFY: Obviously delusional with "What Dreams May Come," I think she's actually one of the daughters from "Kate and Allie." She's pouty and short.

The NB: Poor thing.

Kathy, 20, house painter, Brevard, North Carolina

TEFY: She must be really working the house painter angle because her picture is so boring that I almost fell asleep at my desk trying to think of something to say. Sort of like watching paint dry. ZING!

The NB: Oh no. Perhaps we "poor thing"-ed too early. Hmmm. Maybe the TRESemmé Hair Salon and L'Oréal Paris Makeup Room are still open. This one may be the first to go.

Leslie, 18, student, Higley, Arizona

TEFY: No joke for a second? Leslie is stunning. I would have hoped for her to be run over by a car or disfigured by acid in Chemistry class if she went to my high school.

The NB: She's not bad. But we're having a hard time getting over what may be the worst collection of names of any cycle of ANTM. Gina, Joanie, Kathy and now Leslie. We know you booted Janice and hired Twiggy so the spotlight would revert back to you, Tyra, but, really,
this is a little too much.

Mollie Sue, 25, waitress, Tampa

TEFY: Didn't I predict last year that sooner or later Lara Flynn Boyle was going to don a red wig and somehow finagle her way onto this show like she does on every other show? I didn't? I meant to. And I was right. Also, there is no way Filet Mignon has ever touched her lips.
Look at her in the group picture!

The NB: Mollie Sue??? Oy. People with two names can never be trusted, nor can people from Florida. She'll either end up winning the whole thing or killing a German family at a rest stop just outside of Kissimmee. Either way, Charlize Theron will eventually end up playing

Nnenna, 24, chemist, Houston

TEFY: No matter how pretty, I would always have a hard time rooting for someone whose name consists of 67% of the same letter. She's being an "N" hog.

The NB: Nice try, Yaya.

Sara, 22, student, Davis, California

TEFY: I really have nothing to say about her except that she's waytall. And hopefully she's the dyke of the crew. They had 3 or 4 lesbians last year, someone here has to be one. Why not Sarah?

The NB: First off, we appreciate the addition of the "h" to Sara, Zach, and we're sure all correctly spelled Sarahs do, too. And shouldn't someone from California be tanner? All our LA friends constantly remind us how, whilst we're in the middle of a blizzard, they're getting tans. Fuck you all, including you, Sarah.

Wendy, 22, retail assistant manager, New Orleans

TEFY: Yay Indian. I am glad it only took Tyra 6 seasons, er, Cycles, to realize that there are more than 2 races: Bland White and Sassy Black. Yes, I know that Cycle 3 had an Indian girl, but they refused to give her a makeover and then booted her ass for having real-life
aspirations. That said, she looks like Maya Rudolph with Paris Hilton's nose.

The NB: Our final contestant is, indeed, an Indian and will go far because of that. Our money may even be on Priy...Wendy. OK. That's it. We quit.

Once again, Tyra Banks, doing a handstand.

4 Is The Magic Number

Thanks, Gijyun.

Four (other) jobs I've had:
*Judicial Clerk
*Tour Guide
*Worst Bank Teller in America

Four little-known facts about me:
*My name rearranged spells "Hi. Crazy Claw, Ha!"
*I am oddly craving an Amaretto Sour right now.
*I have never been farther West than Elgin, Illinois.
*I was severely allergic to citrus fruits and chocolate as a child.

Four city airports I have been to:
*Chicago O'Hare
*Vienna, Austria
*Dublin, Ireland
*Malaga, Spain

Four favorite male actors:
*William H. Macy
*Jude Law (non-speaking roles only)
*Cary Grant
*Jake Gyllenhaal

Four foods that I hate to love:
*Hot Wings
*Tastykake Kandy Kakes
*Pat's Steaks

Four web sites (not blogs) I visit daily:
*Television Without Pity

Four things I want to do before I die:
*Visit every continent, save for Antarctica, which everyone knows doesn't count.
*Write a book and have it published.
*Have a movie or tv show made based on forementioned book.
*Yell at someone in a courtroom.

Four people to tag:
*Nervy B
*Everyone I know has else has already done it. Topher on myspace?

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

VD Epilogue: Myspace Hates Me, Too.

Just when I thought I would be alone forever and ever, myspace saves the day! Don't worry, y'all. Irina from Adak, Alaska just wrote to me. So, sleep easy tonight, everything is going to be just fine. Thanks.

What did Irina have to say?

Hello Dear Friend!
Still Single? Let`s start!
I have very much become interested in you.
I want to learn more best you.
Write to me on my E-mail address:

I shall wait VERY MUCH from you the letter.
Write to me as it probably soon.
I in detail shall write about myself and send to you my photos.
I shall wait very much from you the letter.
Sincerely Irina.

It's almost like God himself or herself was reading my blog and decided to answer my tacit prayer/cry for help by sending me my own Inuit with a penchant for magical, barely intelligible prose that lands somewhere between Pidgin and Elizabethan. And her email address indicates that her first and last names rhyme. How hot is that?

Clearly, we are meant to be. Don't tell me any different; I won't hear it, and I won't respond to it. Don't hate; celebrate.

You've Got VD

Humpday Asshole is on the way later today.

Blogger is totally misbehaving for me. Though, I should not be at all surprised that the gods continue their campaign to make my Valentine's Day week miserable, now using technology against me. Why not. Also, no picture. Blogger hates me.

Until then, here was the itinerary of my Valentine's 2006:

I get home from work, lie down on my couch and watch tv for a bit while coming up with excuses not to go to the gym. I went with: no one goes to the gym on Tuesday nights. In lieu of gymtime, I call for a double order of hot wings with a side of cheese fries and switched off watching American Idol and men's figure skating.

I begin to make mental, trying to come up with good V-day memories. After coming up with a hazy, if inaccurate 2 or 3, roll my eyes and stumble to bed. I pick out good and bad qualities of all my exes and rank them in order in different categories, such as sexual ability and conversation skills. I masturbate, mutter something to myself and then rank myself first on each of those lists.

I wonder if this is the first time I feel legitimately fat after a meal. Not physically fat, but just overall fat. I do. I read a book that tells the story of a fictional account of what might have happened were a fascist elected in 1940 in America. I thought I should read something light, you know?

I wake up this morning in my bed with an orange stained mouth, cheese on my shirt and my hand around a container of Wawa iced tea, after having a dream about my ex-girlfriend and her new clone stalking me at a ski resort. I drive into work resisting the urge to run someone over for fun. Make a mental note to kill Cupid before the new year arrives.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Snow On My Face, And Tell Me That You Love Me

Did you feel it? Did you? That unrelenting pounding on Saturday night? It was white and all over the place; you might have even gotten stuck somewhere. You didn't even want to get out of bed Sunday morning. You just waited there in bed, hoping that someone, anyone would come and dig you out. And when you felt it, you got a little bit wet. It's completely understandable. I mean, when was the last time you had up to 12 inches like this?

Spring Break January came to an abrupt halt in the Illadelph this weekend, as we were hit by a Nor'easter that had an eye like a hurricane. Anywhere between 12 to 18 inches dropped locally, while NYC was pelted with a record amount that I don't care enough about to look up. And if this snow storm has confirmed anything, it's that the lifelong residents of the Philadelphia area are, indeed, pussies. That this is even newsworthy while Michelle Kwan was considering dropping out of the Olympics speaks volumes about the fair city. And it's not saying good things.

Learn to drive in the snow. If you refuse to do this, then please stay off the roads. Thanks!

Speaking of fun white stuff, Dick Cheney totally shot someone in the face. No, not that way. The outspoken NRA supporter Vice President shot one of his hunting buddies in the face and neck area this weekend, in what the White House describes as an accident. You probably thought that Deadeye Dick was kept in the bunkers all those times for his protection, little did we know that he was being kept there for our protection. That said, we would normally just adorn Dick with the title of Greatest Vice President Ever, as we would bestow that title to anyone in any profession that shot someone in the face. But we can't do that here because we can think of 3 greater Vice Presidents right off the top of our heads.

1. John Nance Garner- A Vice President to FDR, Garner felt that keeping one's mouth shut, whiskey drinking, poker playing, and understanding the legislative process were useful skills. On Garner's 95th birthday (November 22, 1963), he spoke to President John F. Kennedy over the telephone in regard to the upcoming 1964 Presidential campaign. He vowed to support Kennedy's bid as long as he himself was alive; ironically, Kennedy was assassinated later that day. Note: that's Wikipedia's liberal use of the word "ironically," not ours.

2. Spiro Agnew- Vice President to Richard Nixon. His birth name was Spiros Anagnostopoulos, but he changed it to Sprio Agnew once he realized that he could rearrange the letters to spell "Grow a Penis."

3. Aaron Burr- Probably the coolest Vice President ever, he served under Thomas Jefferson. Burr succeeded in actually killing a wealthy attorney, albeit a Federalist, Alexander Hamilton, with a gun. Burr gets extra points, though, because he actually killed a Cabinet member. In a duel, which is basically the most badass thing one could ever do. He probably had sex with Hamilton's wife right afterwards, though Wikipedia does not confirm that. Remind me to add that to the Wiki-page later. Then he attempted to take over the country with the head of the Army, who happened to be an undercover Spanish agent. Which is? Fucking awesome.

If you didn't catch the final episodes of Arrested Development on Friday, then you're an idiot. I really can't talk about it any more, or I will have to wash down that pill I just found on the bathroom floor with whatever I put in my flask this morning. I am serious. It was brilliant. And now it's over.

You can't help but wonder what a less forgiving God would have sent our way instead of this snowstorm for letting such brilliance fade away. Think about that.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Gay/Countergay: Project Runway "Makeover"

In order to fully embrace each delicious nook and cranny of last night's shocking Project Runway episode, we at the True have joined up with the brilliant CEO of Nervous Breakdown to have an email recap. (You can see an exact replica of this transcript on his much better designed site). It's presented in dialogue form. Remember, with Gay/Countergay, you're either out or you're out.

The NB, 11:23 a.m.
Daniel V. went insane last night.

TEFY, 11:28 a.m.
Yeah, and I actually never realized how pretty Kara was. She had some really cute moments. I think Chloe looked bad mostly because she is 4'2''. I have more commentary. I need to pull it all together.

And sadly, I can see a Chloe, Santino, Kara final 3 now. You watch it happen. Ugh.

The NB, 11:34 a.m.
Um...I think I'll have to disagree with you on the Kara/pretty statement. Though, certainly, she should never have been in a jumpsuit like that.

Daniel has to be in the top 3. He's won the most challenges! See, thisis where shows like this start to really bother me. So Kara had a good night last night. Great. But she's never won a challenge. Clearly Nickis a better designer than Kara, but he had a bad night. Fine. But why should he go home? It should be like, Kara, you did wonderfully tonight but remember the "No Trespassing" from two weeks ago? We're going to have to send you home.

Anyway, Daniel V. got a little bitchy, too, last night. The flippant "Lucky me" on the runway was quite unexpected.

TEFY, 11:46 a.m.
There are moments when you can see that Kara has a very natural beauty to her. If she cared how she looked and if someone dressed her insomething that wasn't a mauve tube sock with glued-on accessories, she would probably be lovely. You can also tell she has a lot more personality than what the producers are letting you see. Which is why she likely won't be final 4. But at this rate who knows?

Chloe. We are over her, right? Even though she's going to probably win? I would wear what she made, sure. But if Nick doesn't have something just like it in his closet already, I would be shocked. At least it wasn't turquoise. Again. I would be curious to see her whole line because she doesn't show much variety for me.

Oh, and Michael Kors, fuck you. Like you would *never* wear a vest with a pink back. Puh-lease. It's moments like that when I am pissed to be a homo.

Daniel. Hi, you're 24. Get thee over thy self. I love you like the brother I had committed against his will, but you took Chloe within an inch of having to say "me love you long time." There have been several challenges that he won that could have gone to someone else, easily. I think he won the close battles because of his affable personality and gracious acceptance of criticism, constructive orotherwise. Last night he was wearing an ugly color, and I don't mean on his glossy Ann Taylor pantsuit.

One reason I think he might not make it is that I think the judgesmight want to see what kind of lines they would put out. At this point, have we seen basically everything Daniel can do? His youth andinexperience showed for the first time last night.

Santino. I think his line would be fascinating to see. One problemwith this whole season is that with immunity at stake last year,people were desiging to WIN. This year, people design just so theycan sail to the next round. That's one thing you can't say about Santino most of the time. He really puts it all out there. I think he's gross, a really reprehensible person on physical and persona-based levels. But he makes stuff interesting. That said, last night he was stupid and lazy and probably should have been kicked off.

And......I am a loser.

The NB, 12:06, p.m.
Yes, the two straight guys I watched last night's episode with howled louder than I did when Kors said he wouldn't wear a vest with a pink back.

Chloe. Over her? Hmmm. I did enjoy her outfit for Nick. It fit nicely and looked well put-together. She herself has always been boring, though. And her constant, CONSTANT repetition of "This my first time menswear designer" had me repeatedly screaming "THEY LIKE YOUR DESIGN. SHUT UP!" at my television.

Kara I just don't know what to do with. I don't know if it's the editing, but I've never gotten a secure feeling from her. She seemsapt enough. But eh. I really think "No Trespassing" put me over the edge.

Your thoughts on Daniel and Santino are mostly right on. I do thinkthat Daniel really does put thought into his designs, moreso than Santino. And I think it's been evident that that causes him toconstruct his clothes in a more careful manner. Daniel shows betterthan Santino. Though I think Santino is more likely, eventually, toreally create something stunning. He just needs to pull it together.

And, yes, Daniel's young, but I don't think we've seen all he can do.He's just beginning. That could be his downfall or his ultimate asset.

All in all, I can't see Kara making it to the final three. The only reason I think a woman could win is because a man (kind of) won lastyear. But I think the proper winner of this season should be Daniel or Santino. Or Tim Gunn for not shooting himself within three minutes of meeting these people.

TEFY, 12:28 p.m.
Also, I forgot maybe my favorite part of the show when Santino said that Kara's sleeve ripped when the 5 of them were jumping around and celebrating!

Kara's response: .....[South African wince] .........

The NB, 12:39, p.m.
Kara stood there like a fool. She might have been able to bring Santino down. It's kind of amazing how these shows actually do illustrate how people handicap themselves in trying not to hurt someone else's feelings. The goal is to win. Screw decorum. Doesn't Kara know about MySpace for making friends? Path-e-tic.

TEFY, 12:41, p.m.
It might also be that: 1. She's actually really nice. 2. She doesn't have the out-for-blood vigor that Americans inately possess or 3. She was thinking of a hat.

OMG, are you on myspace?!?!?!


Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Humpday Hero: Shimmy Shimmy Ya

We here at the True have been getting some complaints that we've been a bit too negative lately. Nobody likes a Bitter Betty all the time, so there we won't be picking on someone as our Humpday Asshole today. Stop pouting!

Rather, in lieu of a Humpday Asshole post today (we may move that to tomorrow), we are going to accentuate the positive. In honor of tonight's Grammy awards, wherein we hope Mariah Carey will have some sort of breast-centric nervous breakdown and give a shout out to her lambs, we will honor one of music's greatest pioneers. In addition to his contributions to the music world, this person may be one of the most amazing people to ever walk the planet. Today we crown a Humpday Hero.

Of course, this person is Old Dirty Bastard.

Forthwith are several reasons why ODB is perhaps the coolest person to have ever lived.

First, ODB went under many aliases. I have put an asterisk next to my favorites. Please understand that this list is in no way exhaustive:

Ason Unique
Big Baby Jesus*
Brother Osirus
Dirt McGirt*
Dirt Schultz
Freeloading Rusty
Joe Bananas
Ol' Dirty BZA
Ol' Dirt Dog
Dirt Dog
Prince Delight
The Bebop Specialist
The Professor
The Specialist
Unique Ason

Next, he was a ground breaker. In February 1999, he was arrested for driving without a license and for being a convicted felon wearing a bulletproof vest. He was the first person arrested for this infraction under a new California law.

He came up with new and interesting ways to insult people. To wit, during a court hearing, he once called a female prosecutor a "sperm donor."

He was never good at blending into the woodwork. In October 2000, he escaped from his court-mandated drug treatment facility and spent one month as a fugitive. He appeared at a record release party for The W, a Wu-Tang Clan album. He was later arrested in a Philadelphia McDonald's, allegedly trying to order a crack milkshake.

He tells the truth. At the 1998 Grammy Awards, Ol' Dirty Bastard rushed onstage unexpectedly during Shawn Colvin's acceptance speech for "Song of the Year" and began complaining that he had recently purchased expensive clothes in anticipation of winning the "Best Rap Album" award that he lost to Puff Daddy. Before being escorted off-stage, he implored the audience, "I don't know how you all see it, but when it comes to the children, Wu-Tang is for the children. We teach the children. Puffy is good, but Wu-Tang is the best. I want you all to know that this is ODB, and I love you all. Peace!" And the thing is? Wu-Tang IS for the children.

He was an underrated master of rhetoric. On one of his albums, he asked this zen gem of a question, in a spoken word moment: "If a brick didn't know how to sit on walls anymore...what would you ask it?" Well, what would you ask it?

For that reason alone, he would be a Humpday Hero. For all these reasons combined, he'll live on in our hearts forever. R.I.P., ODB.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Black, Brown, Bubbly and Broken Bones

Now, I am a sports fan and all, but the Super Bowl last night was BO to the RING. Honestly, when the highlight of the first half is a "review of play" by the officials' booth, you know that you're not exactly experiencing a barn burner. In fact, the game was so boring, that my friends and I drove to the countryside and actually set a barn on fire.

Even the commercials, which are usually a highlight of the Super affair, were lackluster. I can't think of a favorite, but I know that my least favorite was the one with the tagline "brown and bubbly." I won't dignify it by saying what the product was, but I will tell you that they were presumably not referring to either diarrhea or Aaron Neville as he was stutter-singing the national anthem.

Congrats to Pittsburgh, though. It's nice to see that some teams from Pennsylvania are able to win Championships. I roll my eyes in the general direction of South Broad Street as I type that sentence.

Besides the Super Bowl this weekend, I successfully avoided being dumped two Fridays in a row by going dancing at the mostly harrowing, sometimes entertaining, always ultimately a bad idea Shampoo. While there, I met a guy who asked me to dance "saucily" on the dancefloor. I was so caught off guard by his correct usage of an adverb when an adjective could have been easily, albeit incorrectly, substituted that I swooned and had to oblige. No grammar was discussed during said saucy dance.

Am I a loser for having not one, not two, but three separate conversations at a dance club about what "Code Black" could have meant in the then upcoming episode of Grey's Anatomy. Answer: yes. I don't know when it happened, but somewhere along the way, I started to really like this show. I love the sassy Black woman. I love the sassy Asian woman. I love the sometimes sassy White woman with the boobs. I just wish that the Zellwegger v 2.0 would stop squinting and pouting about Dr. McDreamy. Or do I love that she does it? Would I be doing the same thing? Le sigh. In any case, I was correct in guessing that a Code Black referred to some sort of explosive. Duh.

Feminism is not dead, purportedly, but Betty Friedan certainly is. I am not sure why Grandpa Munster's death is getting more press than hers, but today in her honor, I will actually put down the toilet seat.

And finally, today I had a horrible small talk incident at the work microwave. A man who looked like Little Richard without so much Jheri curl and wearing a Bill Cosby-esque sweater approached me as I was putting my chicken and penne pesto in the microwave. He said, "Oooh, someone's Mr. Healthy." Upbeat with his little container of Split Pea Soup, he was actually someone who could be described as "brown and bubbly."

My first instinct, since I grew up in a small town, is to be friendly with everyone, but I didn't want to convey mistakenly to this person that I was in any way flirting. It's a delicate balance with the gays, you know that. So I said, "Oh, nothing healthy here. It's full of fat." He countered, "Well, you sure do look healthy." At this point, my brain actually vomited, and I said, "I have to go to the bathroom." I left my stuff in the microwave and hid around a corner, Jack Bauer-style, until he realized I wasn't coming back. Once he gave up waiting for me to return (and not actually mmicrowaving his food), I ran to the micro-, grabbed my chicken and ran back to my office.

That incident is basically a current snapshot and adequate representation of my life. Sadly, on many levels.

Oh yeah, I almsot forgot. Cast Fetish. For reals.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

(Day After) Humpday Asshole: JC, Not the Carpenter

You know this guy. You've probably deleted him from your myspace account sometime recently.

If you haven't deleted him, here's some reasons why you should. We at the True suggest you add him as a friend and then delete him immediately.

1. Regardless of circumstance, pees sitting down.
2. At any moment may strike you with the force of a category 5 hurricane, as he is trained in the art of Tae Kwan Do, but against his sensai's sage instruction, uses his powers for evil.
3. Deliberately, not to mention eggregiously, drives around with his left blinker on.
4. Knows all the words to the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical Starlight Express. Yeah, the one on roller skates.
5. Reminds you that his academic background is prestigious, even while dry humping you at a bar.
6. Owns four books about Mormons, and as if that's not enough, has only read 1 of them.
7. Once, just to piss off vegetarians, ate a veal-stuffed human baby.
8. Has a wing named after him at the free clinic.
9. Is secretly rooting for Santino to win this season of Project Runway.
10. Routinely feeds false information to Wikipedia.

For these reasons, and many more, JC is our (Day After) Hump Day Asshole. Jesus wept.